Adoption Attachment Issue or Normal Toddler Behavior?

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As the mother of three girls, I’ve seen more than my share of fit throwing, crying jags, and pouting parties. Toddler drama comes with the territory, and over the years we’ve learned to deal with it, adjusting our strategy to meet the personality needs of each kid. Our youngest daughter is adopted, however, and we often find ourselves questioning her behavior issues. Are they adoption attachment issues or just normal toddler behavior?

Toddlers are funny little creatures, high-fiving strangers in the grocery store one day and screaming at the sight of a babysitter the next. A child that is perfectly happy to play independently for long periods of time will suddenly become a clinging monkey who won’t leave mom’s side. These quick switches of personality are normal. Toddlers are learning to be themselves and exploring the world around them. But for the parent of an adopted child, these behavioral changes can be unsettling and nerve-wracking.

Questions to Ask About Toddler Behavior

When our youngest daughter undergoes a big personality change or throws one too many fits, we ask ourselves these questions:

• Is she abnormally clingy and whiny?
• Is she sleeping well at night?
• If she is waking frequently, is she hungry? Needing comfort?
• Have her eating habits changed?
• Has anything changed in her daily environment?

In many cases, we can rule out adoption attachment issues and pinpoint the cause of the meltdown. Too little sleep, a change in the schedule at daycare, or a sudden increase or decrease in appetite can trigger moodiness and more than a few fits that would earn a Richter Scale value.

Is This Behavior Related to Adoption?

However, there are some things that point us to adoption-related concerns.

Abnormally clingy: Is she clingy when we’re around strangers? Is a new location causing her stress? Does she just want to be held or is she holding tightly to our shirts, legs, or hands? New situations can cause stress and uncertainty for adopted children – especially for those adopted at an older age.

Change in daily environment: An adopted child has already had one big change in their life and another change – whether at daycare or at home – can trigger that sense of unease, of disruption, of loss. Whenever possible, keep your toddler’s daily routine as regimented as possible. If a change is coming, prepare your toddler by talking about the change, reading books about the subject (new baby, moving, going to school), and easing them into it slowly.

Waking frequently: This can be another sign of a big (or small) change in daily routine or environment. When a child that previously slept through the night suddenly begins waking frequently for comfort (not food), then a little attachment therapy can go a long way. Reassure the child that you will always be there and, if necessary, spend a few nights sleeping on the floor next to them.

We tend to work on an ‘if all else fails, deal with it as an adoption issue’ basis. If our brilliant parenting skills can’t defuse the situation or change the behavior that we’ve been assuming is a normal toddler issue, then we head back to the drawing board and reassess.

Other Adoption and Toddler Behavior Resources

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old: Revised Edition

Dianna is the mother of three. She blogs about adoption and life at Mama In Pajamas.

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