Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Joy.  It’s what we think of when think of the holiday season.  The hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, baking Christmas cookies, and gathering with friends and family may seem like the perfect recipe for joy.  So why then was their a complete lack of joy for me?  Why then did I feel more like sleeping and less like caroling?

Everyone has stress in their lives.  Being the mom of a special needs child, relocating to a new state, not being able to sell our other house, and a husband who works long hours were definite stresses.  But I couldn’t make the connection between those stresses and this overwhelming sense of sadness.  I couldn’t reconcile feeling so down when my son was making strides at his new school. – the reason we relocated in the first place.  I didn’t understand how I could feel so overwhelmed by getting what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom.  And although money is tight due to our relocation, I wasn’t feeling that I was doing without anything I truly needed.  So why was I so unhappy?  Where was MY joy?

And then came the guilt.  Here I was feeling sorry for myself.  And for what?  I got to be a stay at home mom.  A lot of moms I knew wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom.  We moved into an apartment until we could sell the house back home.  But it was a nice apartment.  Other people don’t even have that.  And I was complaining about having two residences?  I was feeling sad for what?  Because I didn’t have the latest Coach bag or new clothes this season?  No that wasn’t it.  I had never really cared about fashion.  But why then?

So on top of feeling sad and gulity, I felt angry.  I felt angry with myself for being an ingrate. I felt angry with myself for not having the energy to get up and clean the apartment.  I felt angry with myself for making lunch dates with my friends and then canceling them.  I felt angry because I seemed to be so forgetful.  I felt angry. PERIOD.

And what’s worse, I never understood why.  And I didn’t even really recognize my own feelings of sadness, anxiety, and anger.  Then it all blew up one day.  My husband and I got into a fight and he pointed out that I haven’t kept up the cleaning or laundry.  And I started to cry.  And once I started, I couldn’t stop.  I cried and cried.  Until finally, I was able to say, “I feel so bad.  I just want to lay in bed all day and I don’t know why.”  WOW.  Where did that come from? It shocked even me to hear myself say it aloud.  My husband grabbed me and hugged me and let me know he had no idea I felt so horrible.  And you know what?  I had no idea either.  I mean, it was there.  But I guess I didn’t want to know, really.

So yesterday, I took my first step toward wellness.  I saw my doctor and explained my symptoms.  She was so kind.  I was humiliated to have to talk to someone about this.  (Again with the guilt.) I explained that I hid my feelings well from everyone I knew, both in real life and online (and even to myself).  I told her how guilty I felt for feeling sorry for myself.  I cried and sobbed.  I felt like a pathetic loser.  And then she looked me in the eyes and said, “You have a hormonal imbalance.  All we need to do is supplement your imbalance with medication.  It’s not uncommon.  You’re not alone.  You’re not lazy or ungrateful. And you’re NOT crazy.”  For the first time in a long time, I felt a twinge of hope.  I felt like I may get my joy back.

So today, I am working toward wellness. I understand that chemicals and hormones in my body are involved in how I feel.  And I am starting to feel as though I may be able to let go of the guilt someday.  But I think the biggest revelation I had today: there’s no shame in asking for help.  But it would’ve been a shame to miss out on all of the joys in my life if I had not sought help.

Related posts:

1. Kids Just Want to Be Happy
2. Positive Potty Training Means Put On a Happy Face
3. Happy Ada Lovelace Day
4. Happy Mothers Day
5. Happy Birthday Baby