Natural vs. Book Mom: Is There a Difference?

I think most, if not all, of us have heard about motherly instincts. I have heard people say that all women will know what to do once the baby is here. I cannot begin to count the number of times I was told to “not worry, just trust my instincts; being a mother is the most natural thing in the world for a woman”. While I agree that being a mother may come naturally for a lot of women, it didn’t seem to come so naturally to me. So, I decided to do what I do best…research and learn how to be a mom.

I bought books on developmental stages, how to discipline, how to deal with isolation, how to cope with tantrums, how to encourage learning, how to support dad, etc. I was actually quite proud of myself. Instead of continuing to feel inadequate, guilty, depressed and ashamed, I fought back. I thought to myself if every woman just knew how to be a mother, then why are there so many books written on the subject. I also thought that surely I wasn’t the only one to feel that motherhood didn’t come so naturally.

I quickly realized that I was wrong. I was wrong because when I mentioned something I read from one of my many books, I heard comments such as, “you had to read a book to know that” or “you can’t learn to be a mother from a book”. So, needless to say that those feelings of inadequacy, guilt, depression and isolation crept into my psyche once again. I was so disappointed and confused I didn’t know what to do. The fighter in me said to ignore everyone, I was doing the right thing; but, the lack of experience was overwhelming. I felt so lost.

Until one day, I decided enough is enough. I loved my son with every inch in me and I wanted to do right by him and my family. The books in my library were informative, inspirational and funny. Those books taught me how to handle difficult and challenging days. It excused me for not being a perfect mother (as one of the articles written by one of the type a moms, The Perfect Mother Does Not Exist, reminded me). It helped me to accept that I was not alone and it prepared me for the phases my child might experience.

To those natural mothers, I appauld you because being a mother is the most difficult, yet rewarding, experience I have had thus far. However, to those of you who are like me and need a little guidance, I say to seek it. Do not feel ashamed or guilty. You are not inadequate and you are not alone. The truth is motherhood is hard. You are going to have your good days and your bad days; but, at the end of the day, whether motherhood comes to you naturally or you need to read books to figure it out, in your child’s eyes, you are simply mom and that is all that matters.

A list of some of my favorite books are below. These books can be found on www.amazon.com.

Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking:  Practical Solutions to the Most Common Preschool Behavior Problems by Jerry Wyckoff, PH.D and Barbara C. Unell

Chicken Soup for the Soul:  On Being a Parent by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Your Baby & Child:  From Birth to Age Five by Penelope Leach

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