Parent Abuse

Posted by
|

Over the years, we have heard a great deal about child abuse and eventually elderly abuse, which is a good thing. Many people have had the need for help and resources for most likely thousands of years, before anyone really started talking about these types of abusive situations, since many people will naturally hide the fact of abuse.

Why Would Abuse Victims Keep Silent?

People who have been on the harmful and hurting end of abuse are scared. They are scared that it will happen again. In some cases, they may even be afraid for their life or the life of another. The abuser, who has already manhandled and abused them, threatens some abuse victims, regardless of their gender or age.

Abuse victims may be embarrassed, because there are so few others who finally take as much abuse as they can stand and then stand up after too much abuse to sound the warning or blow the whistle on the person or persons who are the abusers.

Each situation is different and things can often become very complicated for the victim of abuse. Victims experience pain, suffering, mental anguish, emotional upset, nervousness, fear and a host of other negative influences after being abused, especially by someone that they love.

Remember, love is supposed to be a many splendid thing. Love is not supposed to be frightening and physically painful. Many people who suffer from abuse are terribly confused about the way they feel about their abuser. They often tippy-toe around the person who abuses them hoping that nothing they do will trigger another abusive episode in their life.

What is Abuse?

According to the dictionary, abuse is to mistreat a person or an animal in a cruel manner, whether that is physical abuse, psychological abuse or sexual abuse, especially on a regular basis or habitually. Therefore, Animal Abuse is abusing animals, Child Abuse is that of abusing a child or children, Elderly Abuse is abusing senior citizens and naturally, Parent Abuse is that of abusing a parent, regardless of the gender.

Parent Abuse Does Happen

Parent abuse happens just like all the other types of abuse happen, whether we want to know it, recognize it or acknowledge it. Parent abuse happens in the lives of many people, regardless of where they live or who they are. Abuse does not only happen in areas of poverty or to the uneducated. You should consider yourself and your home very lucky to never, suffer from any type of abuse.

What Should You Do if You are Suffering from Parent Abuse?

If you are being abused by your children, you need help and you need help desperately. It may not sound like the life you dreamed of having with loving children in a safe home. If you are being abused by your child, now is the time to talk with someone, someone who can be of assistance. If you say nothing, you stand a chance of the table being turned on you if instead your child goes to screeching, “My Parent is Abusing Me.” Moreover, do not think that that seemingly mild mannered child would not do something like that to you after they have already beaten you up.

Do Not Hit or Return the Abusive Manners

If your child or children are abusing you, do not hit! Do not return any of the abusive manners they are giving to you, back to them. Sure, you might feel the need to tear up a tail when they need it, but if you are dealing with an abusive child that has no respect for itself or you; you are only running full steam ahead into a big brick wall that may see you behind bars. Remember, while you are being abused, keep your hands, feet and head to your self, retaliation does you no good and only complicates the matter. If you are hitting or abusing your child in return, eventually you will only make things worse for yourself.

Call the Authorities

It may be embarrassing, it may hurt your inner self to consider turning a child, regardless of his or her age into the authorities; however, it is necessary to make the official reports concerning the matter. Too many times, parents hesitate when at any other time they would have the law onto anyone else who was abusing them or their children. Although, it is embarrassing and hurts it is something that needs to be done.

When you are abused, as soon as possible you need to contact the police or the sheriff’s office to let them know what is going on. Even if they do not come to the house, they have your information recorded in their logbook. That information in their logbooks can work for you as some sort of evidence that you have been experiencing abuse.

The Abusive Child Claiming the Parent is Abusive

This can seem to a child an easy out, especially if there are others who are siding with the child or even encouraging the child in the abuse. Unbelievably there are people regardless of their age that will do this, even if they know you are not an abusive type of person. It does happen. The child may think that if they can have you arrested and taken to jail, their problems of not wanting to follow rules is finished.

It is much easier for a child to claim you are an abusive parent if you try to protect yourself by hitting them back when they hit you. Do not fall into this trap. Short of being killed by a child, you should try to get away from them, in another room and then call the authorities.

It may hurt and it may make you mad, but you may fair better by just taking the beating and when it is over then calling the law rather than trying to control your child by force. It is always better if it is you who makes the first call to report the abuse, rather than putting it off and hoping for the best, and then finding after you have been abused again, your child has reported you as an abusive parent.

If this happens, simply tell the law the truth, the whole truth and then work with them and any helpful resources your community may have for abused parents. Nevertheless, you need to know that there is not as much awareness of this matter as there are for child abuse or elderly abuse. Resources are lacking, but in some areas, you may find that you do have a support system already in place. Take advantage of your local resources.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 10.0/10 (5 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
Parent Abuse, 10.0 out of 10 based on 5 ratings
Avatar of Sara ValorAbout the author: Sara Valor (6 Posts)

Sara Valor is a WAHM, a Katrina Survivor and a Freelance Writer on a Mission!

 

Comments

  1. Gina Manby

    January 20, 2011

    I have found your article very helpful for my university project on social awareness. I am planning on doing advertisement for a parent helpline, like childline. Thanks to your article i can now start on designs as i am more aware of what help is available and what parent abuse entails

    Many thanks

    G.Manby

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  2. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    January 21, 2011

    Hi Gina, I’m glad you enjoyed reading my parent abuse article. I’m glad it has been helpful. Feel free to share the link if you like so others can find this information as well.

    Best Wishes!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  3. Valerie

    February 1, 2011

    Could you tell me where I can obtain more information on this topic, specifically parent abuse by an adopted child?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  4. Donna

    February 6, 2011

    Thanks for writing on this subject. There is so little information because victims of emotional abuse by adult children rarely speak up about it. I am trying to break the silence. My daughter has been abusing me since a teenager. It continues now that she’s in her late thirties. I fear having her care for me when I’m elderly. Don’t know who else will look after me when I no longer can. She and my son have literally broken my heart. I was too soft and too generous with them… spoiled them. I did work outside the home, not because I wanted to but because I had to financially. You see, it’s easy to turn the blame on yourself, even when they are old enough to be mature. I love my Mother and am concerned for her welfare. She was not the perfect parent, nor am I but I love and respect her for the individual she is. Wish I knew what went wrong.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
    • Yvonne

      February 13, 2011

      This is exactly the situation I am in not sure what to do! Youngest is 20 oldest is 27- with 3 inbetween- they are extremely abusive if I dont hand out money whenever they want it. They dont say a word if my husband is home.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Diane

      May 12, 2012

      It was helpful to me to read your sad and distressing story as I am in a similar position, my son is 26 and I am a single disabled parent. I also have an almost 18yr old daughter but both of my children have left home. My son is the abusive child and has been for many years-physically,mentally&emotionally. The emotional scars are the worst and I have had a life time of every form of abuse imaginable since a very young age-I am now 48. I do understand when you say who will look after me in later life. Fear is a very exhausting emotion and living like this is allowing them the power to control us!! I told my son just a few days ago over the phone that I am and have been afraid of him for many years as I broke down crying through yet another episode of his and all he did was continue talking about his self!! All I know is that you are not alone and more should be done to help people like us. take care of you and Best Wishes my friend, Diane.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • barb

      April 2, 2013

      I read and didn’t know that there r so many like me. Do they have support groups like they have for drugs, alcohol etc. It is so lonely without my kids and grand-kids and I get desperate and cycle starts again etc. I live in british columbia . how do I fing help ?

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Jennifer

      May 28, 2013

      Hi Donna
      This comment from you was 2 years ago so I hope you see this.My adult son who lives in Australia and is an adult caused me pain and heart break when he lived at home 12yrs ago finishing with me exercising some ‘tough love’ only to have him cut me out of his life.2 years ago he and his partner hyad a baby girl and after many letters and a trip over to see them I was overjoyed that at last there was a chance to grow together as a family.However out of the blue for no reason he has cut off again and coerced his partner who I was close to, to do the same.For the last 12mths I have struggled to understand and except this horrible act.I live on my own and am so sad not being able to see Alana my beautiful granddaughter grow.He has found an ultimate weapon to hurt me emotionally.I hope I get a reply from you and we can share our stories and help oneanother.

      Kind regards

      Jennifer

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      • barb

        May 28, 2013

        I know I go through same thing , I don’t think it will change. I guess I just don’t understand the abuse for their child but they think that it doesn’t matter because they do not find us important enough. The best I can do is try to keep peace and when I see and hear things I don’t agree with I just get space till i can ignore it.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  5. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    February 6, 2011

    Hello Valerie and Donna,

    Valerie, I wrote this article because it happened to me and these are the things I found out after having it happen. All I can tell you is to make some local calls and do some searching online.

    Donna, I am sorry to hear this and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do, since there is already a pattern of parent abuse going on in your life.

    First, you need to understand that there is no real perfect parent, as parents we can only try to do our best, just as our parents tried to do their best. Life is not perfect for any of us, we just learn and grow as we go.

    My best advice is given above in the article.

    Make your voice be heard by the local authorities, it may be embarrassing and uncomfortable, but it is one of the very few options available today. It hurts to have to do so to a child, but it is the child’s actions of abuse that are screaming for attention. If nothing else, by talking to the authorities, someone else at least Knows What Is Going On In Your Home.

    You the abused parent, are responsible for making it known whether you like it or not. By not doing so, you enable the abusive child to continue and you enable them to be the first to make a call that is untrue when they think that is their way out.

    The only way to stop the abuse that I can think of is to make it known.

    Wishing you all the very best, while encouraging you to be strong in your stand for what is right and true.

    Maybe one day there will be more help, there should be now, but hopefully there will be some in the future.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  6. Yvonne

    February 13, 2011

    Their father was an abuser- thats why I left- I brought up 5 kids alone and this is how I get repaid?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  7. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    February 13, 2011

    Yvonne, I’d recommend talking to your husband about the problem, that sounds like a good start, besides he needs to know what is going on if you are being treated violently by your children. I’m sorry this is happening and hope you can find the help you need, I think talking with your husband about the situation may be your first step. It might not be easy, but you can do it.
    Best of Luck!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  8. vic

    March 31, 2011

    i have a 14 yr old adhd child my abuse from him started when he was 6 yrs old insults ,as hes grown older i have been insulted the police were called i didnt press charges i was to enbarrsed and also i wanted to give him a chance he has been excluded from 4 schoo;ls i ahve had social services on to me twice tells them i hit him the social services look at u as i piece of nothing i have told them the insults and abuse i been threw as i have seen ion many sightds there is no help anywhere for this situation for me and other parents around the world its very hard to face up to this thats happing to u x

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      March 31, 2011

      Hi Vic, I’m really sorry this is happening to you and your child. All I can tell you is to keep loving him, pray for him and make sure that you talk to others about the situation. There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Unfortunately, parent abuse is real, it does happen. Just keep talking to others, let them know what is going on. Keeping your mouth shut about such a situation only causes you more problems in the long run that talking about it and letting others know what is happening and how you feel about it.

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  9. Robert Rego

    April 8, 2011

    Came accross your article. it helped. I am 57 my wife is 55. we have a 38 year old son who had done drugs since a teenager. We made the mistake in the past, of not reporting his thresats and insults, his breaking in when we’ve changed the locks. He dosn’t work and he comes and goes from the house as he pleases. He has a girlfriend who he thinks is going to move in an she is expecting a baby in 6 months that isn’t his. I think since he is approaching middle-age and has nothing, he thinks we will support him ang give him what he cabn’t get himself. He gets really verbally abusive to my wife and dispises her, getting into her face and calling her everything you can imagine. You are right i sometimes feel hopeless.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      April 8, 2011

      Hi Robert, I am so sorry that this is happening to your family. I also agree that even though we may not want too, sometimes we need too or should. The past is gone, the only thing you can do now is protect yourselves.

      You did your best I am sure to raise your child to become a good person, a good man. It is way past time for him to grow up and act like a man. Do what you have to do, you have permission to take care of your family without being victims of parent abuse.

      Get in touch with local resources. Go visit the Sheriff or the Police Chief and just sit down and talk with them. If you need to make out a report, then do it. But, I think just letting them know what is going on is good since it will be logged in their log books. These types of things are important when you are in an abusive relationship.

      Take care!

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Veronica Bright

      July 2, 2011

      IMHO, he first needs to deal with his drug issue. Good programs, such as Narconon also deal with those issues, and the person as a whole. Good luck to you. Doing nothing will NOT end the problem. God bless.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  10. Santie du Preez

    April 13, 2011

    My sisters child is 15. He verbally and physically abuse her for many years. She repeatedly reported him to the social workers,police, pastor, school head master but it seems nobody believes her. I am the witness to his abuse but don’t know what to do to help her. I know he will one day kill her. He threaten her with death if she go to the police again. Please help. I am living in South Africa.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  11. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    April 13, 2011

    Hello Santie, I am so sorry to hear of this situation. The best advice I can give you is for you to go talk with the authorities alone. Tell them your story of what you see and hear. This will give your sister a bit more support. I hope that they will believe you, I cannot see how they cannot if you let them know what you have seen and heard.

    Doing so does not mean that you do not care for your nephew. By letting the authorities know of the situation you are helping both your sister and your nephew.

    Also, you should consider talking with the local pastor if one is available to you. Talking with them might be the best first move in your particular situation. Is there any type of resource at all to help you? If there are talk with some of those people as well.

    Keeping quite about something that is going on that is hurting others or will build up to hurt others is the worst thing you can do.

    Speaking out about abuse is the only thing that can start the ball rolling to get the help and resources that abused parents need.

    I hope that helps, give your sister an extra hug from me.

    :)

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  12. kim

    July 1, 2011

    my 13 year old son has been very aggressive and abusive name calling destructive breaking things (doorframes, scratching the car, vases dishes, cutting up the couch, etc.) the sherriff when they came said I needed to give him a real pounding I told them I was afraid of him saying I was abusing him he says that all the time anyway even when I don’t touch him at all. He has been in two residential facilities neither has helped.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  13. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    July 1, 2011

    Hi Kim, I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing parent abuse too. I guess it all just depends on the person/law enforcement office that comes along. Some will tell you to beat the meanness out of your kids, others would take you down for child abuse. This makes it even more difficult to know what to do.

    However, I can only say that maybe talking to someone in the mental health field may be helpful or maybe talk with a counselor from one of the two residential facilities you already have experience with.

    I finally decided the best thing to do with my teen is just let her know that I was not going to put up with being beat on and abused by her. I told her if it happens again, the law can help me take care of her. That is not what I want to do, but if she cannot control herself, there are bound to be some type of resources in the system that can help her.

    I’m not abusive, and I’m not going to jail because someone else cannot control their temper and keep their hands and feet to themselves.

    I hope that you can find the parent abuse resources you need to help you and your son.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  14. Veronica Bright

    July 2, 2011

    Sounds easy, doesn’t it? I have a friend in Council Bluffs Iowa who cannot get ANY help. Her rather large daughter continues to push, hit and knock down her mother, who is disabled. The police won’t help…no one will.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  15. Alex jhonson

    July 25, 2011

    This is an awesome post what I was looking for parent abuse.by the way Im come back soon for visit your next event. Thanks :)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  16. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    July 27, 2011

    Hello Veronica and Alex, thanks for visiting my parent abuse article. No, it is not easy and the only answers I have are already listed here. All I know to tell you is to keep a positive attitude and just keep trying to make things better by bringing the truth of the matter of parent abuse to light…

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  17. clare

    October 3, 2011

    Ive been suffering constant abuse from my 12 year old since he was 3 long long time.In the last 5 years this abuse has moved onto my daughters and now my partner of 7 years.He is verbally agressive nasty he threatens us he intimidates us he tries to run us he beats his sisters he doesnt do as he told i could go on.We have many proffessionals involved in our family but nothing is working.We have had restpite only a month from socialservices police are involved they dont know what else we can do apart from go down the right channels which does not work.Have you any suggestions as my family is falling apart.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  18. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    October 4, 2011

    I did just reply to Clare, but it isn’t showing up here. I’m thinking that since I replied from the user panel, that maybe that message went straight to her email box, rather than posting here on this article. This is fine with me, if it did. Clare, if you did not get a reply in your email box, let me know and I’ll post again here from the article. Thanks.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  19. renee

    November 9, 2011

    I have a 13 yr old son who is the oldest boy out of three boys and and two older sisters. He is a wonderful boy and a good kid, although every now and then when he gets really mad for example i took his phone last night and he shoved me and hit me and called me names. i had to call his father home last night to help me deal with it along with trying to stay on the phone with my mother so she could hear what was going on. I love my son with all my heart, but the hitting and shoving has to stop.. i had thought about boot camp for the summer but then i dont know if i could be with out him that long or if it would do any good. my husband is a injured marine and thinks it would do him some good.. he doesnt believe in councling or therapy so he doesnt want his son going to that he has as well hit his father and bucked up to him in the past as well.. please i love him so much but what am i suppose to do. i know i didnt fail as a mom but i know im not perfect, there has to be something i can do.. Any advice?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  20. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    November 10, 2011

    Hello Rene, I have to say, I agree with your husband. Boot camp for the summer will make a big difference in the way your son handles himself and others around him.

    I’m an Army brat, my father raised us like we were his own little platoon. I know that the things they will teach your son are good things that will make him a better man.

    One of my nephews was sent to boot camp. He was a good boy who got caught up with some unsavory company. He got into trouble at school. The school recommended boot camp, his parents agreed. The difference in the boy is amazing. He is respectful and kind. He stopped all his arguing for nonsense. He stands up for what is right now, whether his old friends agree with it or not. I also think that the experience with boot camp somehow helped my nephew to not become overwhelmed by the issues he may experience.

    Boot camp can make a big difference in children. Boot camp will only last for a short time. Boot camp will help your child and you will have returned to you a better boy, who has a better chance of becoming a good, respectable man that you can be proud of. My opinion, go for it. It will help.

    Another thing to consider is that you are dealing with the oldest child of the three boys. It is only natural that the others might follow suit, if they see their oldest sibling getting away with parent abuse. You need to consider what outcome you might have in the future with these younger children, if you do not get the help you need for the oldest.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  21. dan

    November 13, 2011

    My brother in law is 13 and doesn’t know what to do about his mothers physical and mental abuse. I told him he should talk to his school counseler but they don’t have one and the school principal said she doesn’t want to get involved. I think the family is staying quiet because they fear her. My wife has cut her out of our lives due to her abuse and now her brother is having to deal with her. I’m trying to help him but i don’t know what i can other than calling the police since the school has failed him in my opinion.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  22. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    November 13, 2011

    I’m sorry to hear this Dan, and to be quite frank, I am surprised that there is no school counselor. I’ve never been to or heard of a school with no counselor. What about a Guidance counselor, they have no guidance counselor either? hmmm, strange one to me…

    It is sad that the boy is now having to deal with this situation. However, it seems that the best answer might be to contact the authorities. You are right the school is failing in its duties. Just about anywhere else the school would be all upset and causing a big ruckus when a child is being abused. Shame on that school system and that principal. It is a shame that the boy may suffer since they hold no interest in his well-being.

    You are right, he does need help. If you are the only one who will stand up for him, then he has someone and that is a good thing. Watch out for him as best you can.

    Maybe calling around your area, find out more about what needs to be done, what can be done. Children deserve better and he needs all the help he can get. Talk to someone you trust and find out more about what can be done to help this child.

    My heart goes out to him and I salute you for anything you can do to help him.

    I wish I could say more, but the ball seems to be in your court. I wish you and your family the best.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  23. Harry Phillips

    December 9, 2011

    My lovely wife and I have been married since 98, she is 16 years older than me and means the world to me. My stepsons are 26 (lived with me/us since he was 5) and 30 (lived with his father, since he wanted to be “raised by a man” prior to me in the picture) and are both very needy and emotionally abusing to my wife. The younger is extremely vulgar and the older just started the same yesterday 12/8/2011 while my wife and I were at the funeral of her mother. They both have a felony record (1 violent and 1 reproducing and using counterfiet money). They do not see that they are torturing us daily about their needs,tag teaming we call it, whether it’s texting/calling/showing up at the door unannounced. etc. My wife (retired after 38 years from her job 4 years ago) had a stroke 2 years ago and they have never shown any kind of kindness toward her unless they had a motive. If they are cordial, it means they want/demand/expect/deserve something. They are still acting like there is extra money for drug habit cures / without inpatient or committments to stablize their lives, get a job, solve their problems, etc. They do not hold jobs for a long period of time (someone else is to blame) and then they do not have jobs for long periods of time, sometimes years. They do not take responsibility for anything. I told them years ago that the money tree in the back yard died and so they stopped talking to me then, you know how the step dad thing works, Mom is the giver/abused. I have even told my wife that if it doesn’t stop, I will get restraining orders for at least house visits from them since they stalk her at least 20 times per day on the phone. Please tell me there is more than “call the police”. My and my wife’s nerves are shot and we are at our wits end. STOP THE INSANITY!!! or help us. I have been watching adults be abused from parents to the elderly for quite some time and maybe someone needs to do something about this obviously spreading disese that is covering the country since the children/adults live in dilusional worlds of x box and playstations and have no regard for human contact.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      December 9, 2011

      Hi Harry.

      I’m sorry to hear about your families situation as well.

      Since you say that are both very needy and emotionally abusing to their mother, I cannot help but to wonder if their father might display the same characteristics. This may be something they learned by watching or being around him.

      If a husband or wife does not show respect and thoughtfulness to his or her spouse it is unlikely that their children will either.

      If these were little boys the situation might call for more delicate handling and training but, since you are dealing with full grown men, in my personal opinion it’s time for them to straighten up and Act Like Men.

      However, it sounds like they are still nursing off mama and maybe sucking her dry without the decency to honor her or respect her or maybe even show her some measure of kindness.

      I’d say, they are grown men, call the law on them. The law should make them answer for dealing with their own mother so terribly. They should know better by now.

      This is a bit harder for me since, we are talking about full grown men and not children or teens. My first thought was they need a good boot in the backside. However, that might not do anything but make things worse, even if they do deserve a wake up call.

      (If they were my brothers, I would have already gotten up in their business about treating my mother so disgracefully)

      Maybe, letting your wife know that the Money Tree in the backyard died long ago might help. But, she will have to make up her own mind and then stick to it. The two of you need to put up a united front and then stand strong. Make the boys stand down or tell them to go until they can begin acting better, more respectful and kind.

      There is nothing I can do to make it stop, I wish I could. I’d make all abuse go away. All I can do is to agree with you that what is happening is very wrong…and tell you that if you feel the need to do so, call the law on them and maybe get a restraining order if needed.

      I’m really sorry this is happening. I do wish you and yours the best.

      :)

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  24. Mia

    February 22, 2012

    My mother claims I’m abusing her. I do not physically, mentally or verbally abuse her. I have a hard time following rules, but it’s only out of good reason and I would never to anything to deliberately hurt her. I used her mascara when she told me time after time not to. I’m constantly called ugly by my classmates in school. You think I wont use a little makeup? She went ballistic. She said I’m abusing her. Ive had trouble telling her the truth only because I’m SCARED of how she will react. She’s explosive and probably abusive. Now I need help. Who’s abusing who???
    From,
    Mia

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      February 24, 2012

      Hi Mia, I’m sorry that you and your mom are having troubles. To me this sounds more like an issue of respect and maybe honor. Your mom wants you to respect her and her things. She wants you to honor her as your mother (& she always will – this is something that will never change and in reality as a mother she does deserve respect and honor no matter what, especially makeup and other trivial “things”.)

      The solution here might just be talking with her and then asking for your own makeup. (If you babysit or something, you can use your own money for such.)

      If you are a minor, you have to at least try a little harder to “Follow the Rules” (whether you like it or not, that is just the way life is right now. Be yourself, but do your best to control your urges to not follow the rules.) (Try to imagine the shoe on the other foot, you be the adult and consider how you will feel if your child does or does not do such & such.)

      I can tell you this, that no matter what you do or say, it might hurt her heart and feelings and she may say things she shouldn’t BUT, She Does Love You. She Always Will Love You.

      Consider being the adult and you’ve already done all the bending. More than likely as a parent you have already bent over backward many times to try to make life better for your child. Ask yourself, how many times has your mother had only crackers and peanut butter to eat, just so you can have the last of a decent meal. Ask yourself, what has my mother done without so I can have something even if it is a small morsel of food to eat or anything else. Think about that and then realize that you as the child, the minor are the one that must bend. (You might not like it but, if you give it a try and practice it things might just get better.) It is not for the child to parent or boss the adult. You must listen and think about the things she is trying to teach you.

      Next, you might consider how would you feel or what would you do if someone else were to treat your mother the way you have.

      Your mom love you no matter what.

      I am proud of you for not “physically, mentally or verbally” abusing your mom. I thank you for that and I’m sure your mom does too.

      I’m not sure how old you are but, if you are old enough to consider using makeup I’m going to assume you are a teenager.

      Now, as far as the kids at school – have you ever considered that some might be jealous? It happens all the time and sometimes the jealous person does not even realize they are jealous.

      Do not fret over these other classmates. Many of them are struggling with the same types of issues that you are and they do not know how to handle them either.

      When I was a kid I got picked on for being fat (like no one thought I knew it too.) However, rather than being an over-eater I was struggling with childhood abuse and stress which can pack on the pounds even when you do not over eat. My point is that too many people assume to much by the appearance of others.

      This is something that many people do. What you have to do is realize that it is Their Problem and Not Yours.

      How did I handle being picked on all the time? I’d give them my most appealing grin and smile right in their face and say, “Thanks” and keep on walking. I never let them see me cry and generally anyone around would look at the like they were idiots – rather than me.

      All they want to do is upset you, while trying to make themselves feel better. Don’t let them do this. You smile, hold your head up and walk away with your pride. Their comments are nothing, let them wash over you and run down your back like water on a duck.

      You are special, you are the only you in the whole world. There will never ever be anyone just like you and this alone makes you one of the most gorgeous creatures to walk the face of the earth.

      Now, be nice to mom, please follow the rules and do your very best in school.

      Grow up to be someone you and your mom will forever be proud of…time passes too quickly to do otherwise.

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  25. Miss Alaneous

    April 1, 2012

    My ten-year-old daughter, who is nearing my height and weight, does all of the things you’ve mentioned. She is verbally and physically abusive and has left marks on me. She rarely does these things in front of my husband. Once I heard myself say “Stop…you’re hitting me too hard!” and I thought ok I’m totally crazy, how far has this gone that my complaint is not about being hit, but how hard she’s hitting???? She threatens suicide (did it yesterday) and my god if she’s only 10 and doing this…I’m so very scared of the next decade, and at a loss about what to do. I’m just sharing this in case anyone sees themselves in my story…you’re not the only one.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      April 2, 2012

      Miss Alaneous, talk with your husband about this…soon.

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  26. Lily

    April 11, 2012

    I admire what you’re trying to do here. But I have an physically and emotionally abusive mother who I can just picture Googling this up and letting it persuade her that I’m the one who’s abusing her.

    You see, I’m not a benign child by any means. I argue a lot, not just with my mother, but with pretty much everyone I’ve talked to. I can do it with no emotional attachment because I love debates. However, in our culture, or my mother’s interpretation of it, arguing with a parent/disobeying him/her means you lack human decency and deserve to get hit. She has beaten me various times before whenever I say something she finds disagreeable/can’t really find a logical way to argue against and only because she knows I’m physically too frail to fight back or that I won’t do that so as to not sink to her level. She also knows I have no intention of actually calling the police on her because I depend on her financially. She’s a criminally insane person who would actually kill me if she could get away with it. I have no doubt. She has shown no mercy in hitting me with large cane just so I would apologize to her about what I say, sitting on me, slapping me repeatedly etc.

    Now of course you wonder what I have said to make her so mad. She’s begun to abuse me like this at the age of 5 or even before that. In the first incident where I could remember, I broke her beaded necklace accidentally and subsequently had to slide on my butts backwards to avoid her stick. Afterwards, I’ve disobeyed more often, but I only started cursing in middle school. Lately, I’ve experimented and said nothing even remotely out of bound to her. But her behavior hasn’t changed at all. She just hits me whenever I say something she can’t argue verbally against, almost as if she knows deep down that she’s wrong but doesn’t want to sit long enough to confront that fact. She does that to overpower me. Sickeningly, this woman has no respect for my body, by physically abusing it constantly and saying repeatedly that she’s given birth to it she implies that it’s her property.

    To answer the question you must have right now (what the heck am I doing on a site about parent abuse then?), my mother has a tendency to victimize herself. She believes that everyone in my father’s family has wronged her in someway. They had a bitter divorce after over a decade of a loveless marriage. He’s abused for as long as she’s abused me. I feel sorry for her, but not enough that I’d take the blame for my father. Too often she has tried to unleash her rage on me after a diatribe about my father’s unfaithfulness and brutality. But after years of her doing the same to me mercilessly, I no longer have any sympathy for her. Of course, she’s accused me of callousness. And she’d accuse me of abusing her for the hurtful comments I’ve made in my anger. Perhaps I have indeed been verbally abusive toward her. I feel a great need to lash out against her in order to preserve my dignity because I feel that if I did not she’d have beaten me into submission. However, I do not do this unless she’s cornering me and threatening me with violence. One thing about my mother is that she does not use violence just to hurt me but also to humiliate me. She knows that it’d traumatize me a great deal if I had to retract a comment I made in good conscience because I couldn’t bear the physical pain.

    But she’s not consistently violent mother. She has bouts of violence and then bouts of trying to take care of me superficially by cooking for me or buying clothes for me. She thinks that because of these material things I should love and respect her. However, Stockholm Syndrome fails her in this case. So she decides on victim-blaming. It’s fault when she hits me. It’s my fault when she deprives me of everything I enjoy as a form of punishment. And I should be institutionalized for saying a few insolent things to her.

    In short, your site can serve as a great source for abusive parents to shift the blame onto the their children. There’s a lot of information on child abuse but actually very little support system as far as I’m concerned. My mother has the authority. What do I have? A few comments meant to comfort like “You just have to put up with it. You can’t choose your parents.” or “Your mother has borne you and given birth to you.” etc

    I know that real parents out there go through the pains of being abused by their own children, and I offer my own sympathy. However, if parent abuse becomes an issue people’re aware of, you can’t just write a cursory post like this, which is very open to interpretation. You need to write point blank definitions of parent abuse and make clear the distinctions between abused parents and emotionally and physically abusive parents who try to justify their behaviors by shifting the blame onto the children. Despite my sympathy with the real victims, in most cases parents have a lot more power over their kids. And arbitrarily presented pieces of information like this can do more harm than good.

    Thanks.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  27. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    April 11, 2012

    Hi Lily, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders even though you are going through a hard time with your parent.

    I believe that everyone has a right to speak his or her mind, which is one of the reason’s I approved your comment. I can appreciate your thoughts and feelings and I hope somehow you and your mom can work through your differences. I’m sorry you have had to endure such treatment since a small child.

    However, I must say that I had just as much right to write and publish this article and I do not feel in any way that it was done so “arbitrarily”, which according to the dictionary means = “at random, by chance, without rhyme or reason, subjectively, illogically, capriciously, indiscriminately, haphazardly”

    Thanks :)

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Nell S. Sanders

      April 27, 2012

      Sara, my daughter began to verbally abuse me at 15 and has continued this pattern for 30 years. Every poor decision she has made is blamed on her lack of adequate parenting. She claims to be the scapegoat child and that her sister and brother were “golden” children. Actually, she was a loving, sweet girl until adolescence and my memories of our years together are happy ones. She has been to three therapists, which we paid for, but she never gets better because she convinces them that she is an abused and neglected child/adult who is not truly loved. I, on the other hand, feel that my words and actions are continually misinterpreted and twisted to fit her life story. She has spread lies about me to her siblings, who have told her that these do not reflect their memory of our family. Now she has engaged a fourth therapist who has advised her to “limit contact” with me. I recently visited my mom, who lives in the same town, and my daughter not only refused to see me but wrote another ugly e-mail. I have a file of these letters but no one else has seen them. I want to help her but cannot seem to do anything right. She likes cash gifts but I don’t want to “buy” her love, so I have stopped giving her anything. Can you recommend a book or other resource? I think she is projecting, and it seems to be working because when I am “down” I doubt myself and imagine that I am this really bad person she claims I am!

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      • Avatar of Sara Valor

        Sara Valor

        April 27, 2012

        Hello Nell,

        I am so sorry that this has been happening to you and your family for so very long. I feel your worry and your weary.

        Doing a bit of summation here as to my understanding of your situation:

        Your daughter is at least 45 years old.
        I’m wondering if perhaps, this daughter is the middle child, since she considers the other two “golden” (of course, I could be mistaken about her birth place within the family.)

        I figure since she’s seen so many therapists that if there was some self-help book that might assist her, she would have found it by now. So, this means to me you are the one who needs the self-help book.

        I cannot honestly recommend any book though, I wish I could especially for you. However, this might sound over the top but, I’m throwing it out there anyway…If you live anywhere near an LDS or Morman church there is a women’s group called the Relief Society. If you go there and find some women who will be more than happy to see you and help you in any way they can. It might be easier to talk with them and share your heart and mind since, right now they are strangers and sometimes talking to people who really care and don’t really know you can help relieve the pressures you are under right now. It can’t hurt and they can be more helpful than any other group of people might be. They believe in eternal families so, their perspective is much richer than many other’s I’ve encountered.

        Also, in my mind perhaps, “limiting your time together for a while” may be helpful for you. And, in my opinion; you are her mother, you’ve already paid the price and you should never “have to buy her love” so don’t. And good for you that you have stopped paying her to show you just a smigion of consideration and honor. (I’m sorry but, in my mind it sounds as though she might be using you as far as “cash gifts” go, so it is good that you are no longer playing this game with her.)

        Nell, you have lived long enough to know that all humans have “down time” and we all beat ourselves up over the things that burden us. You know the truth, you’ve seen it unfolding for years. You must hold the truth in your mind and heart and not poison yourself with depression.

        Whatever it is that is bothering her, she’s placing the blame in your lap. If you are blameless of such lies, you must hold even harder to the truth.

        I’m sure she needs help and she’s been getting assistance all these years. It’s time for you to get some as well. I do hope that you can find some book or resource that is more helpful than these few words.

        Here’s a *hug* from one mom to another. Keep your chin up and hold tight to the real world and the truth of the life you have lived with your children and never stop loving them with your heart and mind. Leave your pocketbook in the closet, while wrapping your family with the love within you.

        May you be blessed Ms. Nell…

        VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
        VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
        • Nell S. Sanders

          April 28, 2012

          Sara, thank you for responding so quickly and so fully. Yes, my daughter is the middle child and has just turned 46. I honestly had no idea she felt so neglected and even abused as a child until she was about 35. At her request (so that we could be closer) we found a clinical psychologist whom she bonded with and went through joint counseling for 1.5 years. Each week she brought up new complaints– memories that either were imaginary or twisted. Each week I would be speechless, trying to recall events of 20-30 years earlier. I would go home and ask my husband, who also raised her from the time she was 5 yrs. old, if he recalled that incident. He was incredulous and kept telling me that I would have never done or said the thing she accused me of. My daughter would not allow him to attend any of the sessions; the reason she gave was that I could not “hide behind him” any more. SHE WOULD SOB UNCONTROLLABLY during these sessions, and of course the counselor and I were overcome with her pain and anguish. At the end of the 1.5 years, she was still just bringing up new stuff each week and she finally said “I see that you have changed.” Of course, we all change –for the better I hope– as we mature, so I accepted that and assumed that she and I could now have a close relationship. Well, things went okay for the next five years or so. Every once in a while she would blow up at us, usually by e-mail, and we would unsuccessfully try to explain ourselves and make peace. Then in 2009 she was fired from her job at which she had been very successful and her live-in alcoholic boyfriend dumped her a month later. We (and her biological father) faithfully supported her emotionally during over a year of unemployment and helped her financially to keep from losing her home. Now she has a good job and is on stable financial ground, with health insurance. At last she is back on track and I can’t help but wonder if she feels she no longer needs us.
          Sara, my problem is that I cannot write her off as a manipulative, selfish person. She will always be my beloved daughter. Yes, she does play the relatives for money but I excused that because she was so needy for many years. She is a poet who does ordinary jobs to earn enough to write. (She won the “Paris Review” contest a few years ago and really is gifted.) So I am trying to figure out why she finds fault with me and blames me for her misfortunes. If I can figure out why, then I seem to feel more worthy as a person. Here are two possibilities:
          1. She projects her problems and flaws onto me. The narcissist’s screen, as it were. (Yes, I have read on the subject.)
          2. Instances of parental abuse and neglect fit her life narrative and keep her from having to painfully search her inner core for alternate explanations for her problems. (I know from experience that therapy is painful and only works for those who can take the scalpel to their souls.)
          Thank you for the resources you mentioned. My husband is a Presbyterian minister and we are open to all faiths and wisdom. I pray that her latest therapist will see through the narrative and facade she has created and will penetrate these to confront the core of her persona. And I pray that she will find the strength to search for the hard truths. I know that her biological father has been a wedge between us since she was five and that she idolized him for many years. Frankly, she reminds me more and more of him the older she gets. And that is scary.

          VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
          VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      • Nell S. Sanders

        April 29, 2012

        Sara, I forgot to tell you that I have worked full-time since I was 20 — teacher, principal, jobs that took far more than the mythical 40 hrs. per week. In the spare time I cleaned our house, cooked for a family of five, and sang in church choir. So the middle child probably has reason to feel that parental time was short and that we were often preoccupied. In HS she fell in with misfits who did some drug experimenting and I was unable to have real commmunication with her. We took her willingly to two therapists but she didn’t want to continue with either. At 18 she moved into an apartment (her insistence) and went to college. Upon graduation she moved west and spent years away from us. We were so busy with careers, raising our third child, and attending to the never-ending problems of our first-born that we didn’t realize we needed to be in more frequent touch with our middle daughter –or that she may have needed that, too. She has never expressed her needs verbally, in contrast to the other two children. So, yes, she can point to ways in which she was “neglected” and “lonely” but we did not pick up any signs that she felt that way.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
        • Avatar of Sara Valor

          Sara Valor

          April 29, 2012

          Hi Nell, I had a feeling you had more to say. :)

          Listening to your last reply reminds me of a conversation I had with my dad in my mid-twenties. I had gone home and was talking with him. I guess I finally felt old enough to confront him about this and that. I asked him why this, why that. I was one of his best since, he kept a very tight rein on me. I’m the oldest. After I finished asking him, he said this to me.

          “I’m not perfect but, I’ve done the best I know how to do. That’s all anyone can do. Do your best.”

          So, maybe what you all need is a great big hug session. Maybe what she needs is for you to just wrap your arms around her and tell her that you are sorry.

          I’m not saying you have anything to be sorry for, but, she might just need to hear it.

          I hope all goes well for you and your family.

          VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
          VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
          • Nell S. Sanders

            April 29, 2012

            Thank you, Sara. I have apologized many times over for the omissions and hurts she brings up. I have always hugged her when we have visits. I really have decided that the best thing for both of us is to remain apart until she is ready to accept me as I was and am. She doesn’t need a fragile mother who is walking on eggshells, and I don’t need her constant cutting remarks. Perhaps we are both better off this way.

            VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
            Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
            VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
            Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
          • Avatar of Sara Valor

            Sara Valor

            April 30, 2012

            I think you must be right Ms Nell. Best of Luck!

            VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
            Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
            VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
            Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  28. Marianne Dean

    June 7, 2012

    Thank you for being here. This is probably the worst thing anyone can go through. My daughter is manipulative and violent. I have been beaten up and had a telephone cord wrapped around my neck, I have be robbed, doors kicked in, money taken right out of my hands, etc. When I don’t continue to give her money, she calls and leaves messages — “you are dead to me. No one wants you around, including my kids (whom she doesn’t have custody.” I never charge her with anything, even though I could, because she is violently vindictive. This is the worst thing that can happen to a parent.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  29. Marianne Dean

    June 7, 2012

    The thing is, no one understands. You are supposed to keep helping — no one wants to talk to you about it — I have had to hide from her, like today. Her goal seems to be to take over my life. I will keep hiding, because I can’t stand it.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  30. Marianne Dean

    June 12, 2012

    oh, man, wish someone was there — very painful

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      June 15, 2012

      Hi Marianne, I’m sorry to hear that you and your family are having such problems as well. Stay safe…

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  31. Judith

    June 12, 2012

    There is an old expression that says, “Selfish parents raise unselfish kids, and unselfish parents raise selfish kids”.
    Reading most of the posts I feel I could have written much of it. At nearly 70 years old now, I have literally given up on my two “kids”, ages 50 and 48 years old. They are both cruel and created many serious legal problems for me, since they were 14 and 15.
    They seem to have no conscience, and I blame myself since I did not take them to church. They really seem to lack a moral barometer and have been verbally abusive do that I had to give custody to their father because they refused to follow any rules. My son damaged a physician’s lawn by doing a “lawn job” with my car and dragged a rock under the car until it bent the frame. He hid at grandma’s because as his dad said, “he is afraid of you”,which would have been a healthy emotion.
    They have told me hundreds of times that I was “crazy”, something they heard their father say so many times. What comes out of their mouths sound like dad reincarnated.
    After contact with either of them I get so danged low and depressed, and worried to death about what problems they cause for me next.
    They are only interested in my money, although they deny that. They are nice to me when they are awaiting a check, or a new mattress for the grandchildren, or skiing money.
    Their father committed suicide, sixteen years after our divorce so I know I didn’t have anything to do with it. He left them nothing, not even mentioning their names in his suicide note. He had told them so many lies about me that they prefer to believe him more than 25 years later.
    He did not want to be married to me, but has intentionally created problems for me since I asked for a divorce.
    They have stolen over $35,000 when I needed to make my son my POA for a short time, as he maxed out my equity loan, and cashed in my CD, stole my car and took it out of state. He never paid one bill, including my mortgage payment. I believe he shared the money with his sister.
    Everyone said I should overlook the theft, that they were still my children and to forgive them; give them another chance. My daughter wrote the court a letter where she lied and told the Judge I threatened to get a gun and shoot city officials. She was destitute and angry I was not financially helping to support her and her husband who refused to work because minimum wage was below him. His parents said they could have put him through college for all the money they have spent bailing him out of trouble. He told me about an aquaintance whose father learned he had cancer, and instead of getting treatment and using up his estate decided to refuse treatment and leave the money to his son. That I took for a direct hint at what he expected from me.
    My duaghter is doing a similar thing now because I tried to speak up for my 18 years old granddaughter who barely graduated from high school and allowed to have a live-in neighborhood boyfriend staying at her house, sleeping with her so her mom could have a babysitter for her 4 year old son. She got angry at her wealthy boyfriend when he decided not to leave his wife and got pregnant. Se gets enough child support to take care of the whole family. She seemed to be using the oldest child while saving the $3K nanny care. The granddaughter was writing some pretty disturbing things on Facebook which I tried to respond with encouragement for her to set goals.
    Now my daughter is writing letters again because I called the other grandmother to get her assistance to help the 18 year old.
    My daughter and I have not spoken more than an hour in 13 years, and she is writing letters again to the police where I live more than 1800 miles away saying she is afraid I will shoot her. She is superstitious. Why does she make these things up? I think to keep me away to prevent my asserting my rights.
    After telling them they are not in my will, they have accelerated their cruelty. What did I expect? I don’t advise doing that now.
    I want to have a legal disowning since I don’t want them asserting they have any rights to decisions in my health care if it is needed in the future and to prevent them from accessing my money.
    My son is a college graduate but is not very well grounded. I had told him that I was collecting his dad’s social security until I was 70 when I could collect mine at a higher rate, something social security person encouraged me to do. My son then becomes angry and said that his dad’s social security should go to his children since his dad never gave them anything. He said over the week-end that he told his son what I was doing collecting my ex’s social security, as if he was telling on me. I have a right to do that, and if I gave it to his kids, I would not have sufficient income.
    Damaged brains because the necessary development in adolescence could not take place since cells were soaking in alcohol and drugs.
    I am trying to learn how I can get an order to prevent them from contacting me. My son sent me 20 or more emails over this past week-end with threats that he was going to have me institutionalized and medicated with thorazine until I didn’t know what my money was.
    I cannot block his emails, and know I need to stop reading his messages and trying to defend against his abusive statements.
    He forbids I talk with his kids, maybe cause he is afraid I will tell on his misdeeds, and yet gets angry if I do not send them gifts and money. They are strangers to me because of his decisions.
    Oh dear, there seems to be no good solution as I have to accept this situation is not going to change. I had tried to initiate contact hoping if I listen until he has spilled his venom it will be over, but there has rarely been one call when my son does not lambaste me with endless complaints and abusive demeaning comments and end with me having to hang up. I cannot talk him out of his rage, it only gets worse.
    They both have lengthy histories of drug and alcohol abuse, have had friends who did the same so who knows what tricks they have learned.
    My son talks about being beaten with a belt by his father but I am most certain that never happened since they were rarely alone with him. They have nothing but contempt and blame for me. I do not want them having access to my funds, and am in the process of giving my brother POA for me, and writing a new will.
    Guess that is all I can do.
    As a retired registered nurse, I have learned that one can report abuse to Adult Protective Services. If one invites the government into your life plan on things getting more complicated and your freedoms threatened.
    Well this is meandering but I want those who have written that you must put a stop to it. Waiting until you are 70 just compounds the harm it does to you and you realize you have put off doing things that make you happy.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      June 15, 2012

      Wow Judith! Thanks for chiming in here with us about parent abuse. I agree with you. Putting a stop to it asap is ideal – something to work towards.

      I also commend you for considering someone reliable you can trust with Power of Attorney.

      You’ve done the best you can for them. Now, take care of you.

      Wishing you all the best!

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Sam

      August 5, 2012

      Dear Judith

      I answered your mail but you will find it at the end of all the other mails, sorry about that.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  32. Heather

    June 28, 2012

    Hi Sara, I am in England so we may not have the same resources as you do in the US but I am just pleased to have found somewhere I can vent to people who understand.
    My 20-year-old son is visually impaired. He relies heavily on me for helping him on the computer, help with his college homework,dating sites, social network sites, anything he wants to buy online etc.
    However, rather than ask me nicely for help, which includes other things as well, like finding things for him, he often demands and if I ask him to ask me properly, he becomes extremely verbally abusive which can also include a degree of physical abuse.
    He has in the past punched me, stolen money from me, prevented me from leaving the house to escape his abuse, spat at me, and thrown a bucket of water over me.
    But the verbal abuse is what hurts me the most. He claims that I am abusing him if I tell him to speak to him properly or try to reason with him over his behaviour.
    I am currently unemployed yet he makes financial demands on me beyond my means and if I don’t give him money for something he buys it and then keeps the receipts and adds it to my debt to him which he keeps a record of.
    He also in the past has made me find inappropriate pictuers on the internet for him, claiming that I am just his eyes and if he could see he would do it for himself. He does have some sight, but not enough to focus on words or pictures adequately.
    He has been having counselling at college for some time but it has not made a difference to his behaviour towards me.
    His dad has little involvement with him apart from visits but now my son wants to exclude him from his life, although I do ring his dad after episodes of abuse in the hope of support which is not forthcoming, apart from telling me to throw him out.
    My family can’t help much as my mum is elderly, my sister gets too upset so can’t become too involved and my brother is recovering from a heart attack. My other sister is not someone I feel able to confide in.
    I have called the police on a few occasions and others have called the police on my behalf, but they can’t help other than wanting to arrest him, but I don’t want to spoil his future by giving him a criminal record.
    I have tried mediation but the mediator gave up on us after one situation because my son was not co-operating. He was just putting all the blame on me. And I think he really believes I am to blame.
    When he shouts and swears I worry about the neighbours because I live in a ground-floor flat and there has been a complaint to the council before so I don’t speak to the neighbours.
    I am a quiet and shy person and don’t have any close friends. This abuse adds to my lack of confidence.
    The latest thing I have tried is Relate which is a relationship counselling charity. My son agreed to come with me and we are on the waiting list. But in the meantime I am having to put up with horrendous verbal and sometimes physical abuse,and I don’t even know if the relationship counselling will work. I am having to make a donation to this even though I am unemployed.
    I know you won’t be able to offer any answers that I haven’t already heard but just being able to write down what I am going through is helping.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  33. micky

    June 29, 2012

    my son is 15 and rages all the time around me. controls my every single move. or trys to. but is placid and quiet at school and everywhere else. he pretends he is the victim. and people react to me as if im the abuser, neglector. son is taking his narcasistic stage too far. i had him arrested for first time few weeks ago and they kept him all night. but he got a lawyer and told loads of lies. he is so clever and obsessed with power over me that he never drops himself in it with his lies. i am convinced he studied his rights on internet and decided to get arrested on purpose so he could put those rights into practice. and started a huge fight with me. today he started pushing me and shouting. then threatening to throw bucket in my face. then he booted me hard in the leg. police put pressure on social services to help me. but all im getting from them is critism and bias comments. if i put more pressure on them to help they will put more pressure on me to be a better parent. but they have not helped one bit. just egging son on to behave badly and get even more out of me. im sure ss are punishing me for hassling them.tried doctors for chams for son but doctor said i need to get referal from school. but son is good at school. he gets angry for hours and months at a time non stop at home but noone noticed anything at school. because teachers dont stay long enough.its like im perminantly in a game of chess with son. and i have no choice but to play. and he check mates me everytime. little does he know i still have power over my own life as it really is up to me if i choose to live or die.he knows it gets me down. and ss told me to take antidepressants and warned me to cooperate. to stop me calling police every five minutes for nothing. it just adds to pure resentment i have and fear towards my son. if i show love he gets angry. it confuses his victim pretence. he has blead me dry of love, energy enthusiasm. i have same symtoms as a victim of bullying. and noone is going to help me.and im not ashamed of admitting that sometimes i wish someone his own age would beat the shit out of him.he swings from severe anger to severe manick arrogance. only towards me. im not ashame to say i do not like him.he is a stranger to me. dangerous with too much power. he is forcing me to hate him and its working. i resent noone helping. im not worth the trouble. my son tells me. and its true. no one cares. or believes me .if i was dead son would be happy and noone has the right to judge me if they cant even help me.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  34. Beth

    July 2, 2012

    I have been searching for this site and am so grateful to have found it. I also have been abused by my adopted daughter for many years. She was arrested at15 for assault and was in juvenile detention for a week and house arrest and also probation and court ordered therapy. The abuse never stopped. She is now 18 and thre me to the floor this last time and left to a home of a friend. The emotional and verbal abuse is life changing. She has no respect for me, my family, our property. She has broken phones, computers, 3 doors and numerous holes in walls with no remorse. I have ended communication a month ago since the family she is now living with puts me down and she respects them! I am in such pain I did let these “do gooders” know of her narcosistic ways. When ever I tell my story, I can see it in people’s eyes what did you do wrong? I know it was the right thing to do to ban her from my life, but she still holds the upper hand because she is playing the victim in all of this. This is where I struggle most. I would like to converse with other abused parents to lend support, we desperately need support.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Heather

      July 3, 2012

      Hi Beth,

      Yes I agree, we definitely need support. There should be more support groups for abused parents. We tend to keep it as a shameful secret for too long. I am still keeping it secret from many people although I have started to speak of it to certain people but I even find it hard to talk to my family about it and certainly don’t tell them about every incident.

      I am sorry about what you’ve been through with your daughter. My son also has never shown any remorse for anything he’s done to me. To others he is so well-behaved and polite. I am his only victim – the person he takes all his frustrations out on and I am the one person who helps him the most, yet he gives me little or no thanks for anything I do for him.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • kamarie freeman

      August 21, 2012

      yes we all need to stay together on this my own son lived with me and my husband for 2 years he had no place to live he was vebally abuseive and in the end physically the law called all the time he had to go hes been gone for a year now its my stepson that lives next door started verballal abuse last weekend now i just walk away if he comes in our yard

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  35. micky

    July 5, 2012

    i would also like to get togetther with other abused parents because they know how hurtful it is. my son is also only victimizing me. and plays the victim to others. i suppose its the best way to get attention that they wouldnt normally get from others. others like to feel they are taking over the role of mother and take all the credit for themselves. so they are all cashing in on the games they play. even people who are not related to son like lonely old lady over the road who spoils son. and plays the mother in law part. i dont even know her! she has chosen to be taken in by sons need for sympathy and attention and is even playing on it. and encouraging it. she doesnt see her own daughter or granddaughter much as they live miles away.so she has latched on to my son. whenever i say no he goes to her. and says she like a second mother. he filling an empty space for her. she is giving me the creeps because of this.her daughter did not pass exams so when son had exams she encouraged him to do everything but exam practice. it is sick. son tells me she cares more and that she not a bitch like me. then he wonders why im not too keen on her. all the other parents stay away from her. but i cant gety my son to mix with teenagers his own age as he with her everyday. i feel myself distancing from him more and i am lacking the ability to worry too much any more. if he not revise so be it. if he loves her and hates me so be it. if it were a man i would be worried about him being a pedophile and grooming but because she a lady its ok

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  36. micky

    July 5, 2012

    had to stop son walked in shouting as usual

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  37. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    July 9, 2012

    Hello Heather, Micky and Beth, you are more than welcome to vent your thoughts and feelings about parent abuse here. I’m sorry that this is a problem for so many people. I’m not sure what to do either other than to continue to love our children, hope and pray for the best for our families. If any other abused parent needs a place to release their thoughts and feelings on the matter, you can do so here. We do understand how you feel – even if we aren’t sure what else to do but let go of those thoughts and feelings to help heal…

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Heather

      July 11, 2012

      Thanks for your reply Sara. I called the police tonight. But my son ran off before they arrived. The police say it’s not a police matter and I should throw him out. They took my phone off the hook and advised me not to let him back in. I did let him back in as I can’t see him sleeping outside. Anyway, he would have booked into a hotel and made me pay (that’s what he told me). I find it very hard to forgive him as he doesn’t acknowledge that he’s done anything wrong. How can you forgive someone and act like it’s never happened if they are in denial that they are abusers?

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      • Avatar of Sara Valor

        Sara Valor

        July 12, 2012

        I’m sorry Heather. I’m not sure why the police would say that. I thought that something like that would be considered “domestic disturbance”. People go to jail for domestic disturbance if someone signs papers on them. Domestic disturbance covers more than being beat up by family or people living with you. Even a shouting match is considered domestic disturbance; even way out here in the woods where we live so, telling you it wasn’t a matter for the law makes no sense to me.

        I can understand that you would let your child back inside out of the dark, your a mom and there is so much more than being pregnant and giving birth when it comes to being a mom. Naturally, your heart strings are wound all over and around your children.

        It’s not that we don’t want our children and it’s not that we don’t love our children. If we did not, we’d have done like many others and just given them up to someone else’s care. However, we have them now because of the love we have for them as individuals. The problem is that after all the time and effort it takes to raise a child – we should not have to endure being used and abused by our babes.

        I love my child; but, I will be glad when she is grown and on her own.

        Since, your boy is in college, he is of age to care for himself. Maybe it is time to get your own place and live alone rather than continuing along as it is now. (not telling you what to do, but something to consider).

        Hopefully, the Relate program will open up a place for you and your son. I do hope something helps you soon.

        VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
        VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  38. micky

    July 12, 2012

    hi sara, thanks for letting me vent on your website infront of others who are feeling hurt too. i too am looking forward to son leaving home. i have another three years before mine is eighteen. i cant kick him out but i do lock him out for few hours at weekends because weekends are the worse. and he with me entire weekend. i wouldnt mind if he wasnt so abusive and angry all weekend. just because he tired. he now has intense family intervention or something like that. but thats only once a week. but the man seems nice so far. son threatened to smash up our large tv tonight and my phone and other things. nothing broke but my keys have gone missing and he couldnt understand why i would blame him for them going missing! wingy prat!!! thats better thankyou. i feel better. heather the police do seem to think we should deal with our kids ourself. well they forget our kids have too many rights for us to do anything about anything. most authorities i go to advice me to stuff up on medication to shut me up. thats their answer to everything. why dont they get medicated then perhaps they might be more agreeable when we ask for help. im not going to take anti depressants when i know what i need is not silencing pills. i am just stressed. because of sons behaviour. and that i cant proove it. its not in my head. and i expect his behaviour to stop. i dont expect to medicate just so i can take more abuse without getting upset. that would be like giving in to son and letting him win. i ll just stick to stuffing my face with chocolate whenever hes abusive., for now!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      July 15, 2012

      I’m sorry Micky and I’m not sure what to say either except don’t give up. I don’t agree that drugging the abused parent into submission is the answer either.

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  39. Heather

    July 14, 2012

    Hi Sara, thanks for your reply. Had the police round again tonight. I didn’t call them, my friend did. My son had run off before they arrived though. The police told me to keep the door locked but I’m too soft and I let him in. My sister thinks I should go to the doctor and get some counselling. She has offered to come with me. I probably will have to throw my son out in the end but it’s hard with him being visually impaired.
    I feel for you Micky. Don’t know what else to say. It should be a lot easier to sort our offspring out but it isn’t. It feels as though nobody can truly help. I am just told to throw my son out all the time. I really want his behaviour sorted out but he won’t listen to anyone. I just hope Relate can help.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      July 15, 2012

      Hi Heather, I’m wondering if there might be some type of help for him since he has a disability. Here in the states there are various types of resources for the disabled. Maybe finding out more about whether there is something resourceful there that can help him – maybe move him into an apartment or something like they do over here. (just a thought)

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  40. Heather

    July 15, 2012

    Hi Sara,

    I am going to ring Social Services tomorrow as the police advised me to do as I can no longer live with his abuse which is getting worse. I am concerned that he has some type of mental illness which is making him behave this way but it is only me he abuses. No one else. Tonight he has taken all the money from my purse. I have done nothing wrong. I think he just enjoys having power over me. I am feeling ill with it all and it’s my sister’s wedding on Saturday. I am not sure how I’m going to be for then because at the moment things are desperate. Social Services will probably find him somewhere to live with support but it will be nothing like the intensive help he gets from me and for which he is totally ungrateful. I have had some terrible verbal abuse from him today and it is on a daily basis now.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      July 17, 2012

      I think that is wise as well, Heather. It sounds like he needs help that you are not able to give to him personally. They should be able to help him even with some type of anger management courses too. While speaking with the SS, maybe you can mention that anger management might be helpful to him, now and in the future.

      Do not become discouraged, you are taking a step in the right direction to get your child the help he needs and maybe some peace of mind for you as well.

      Best of Luck to you and your son!

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  41. micky

    July 17, 2012

    thanks for your comments sara , it sounds like you understand the stress it can cause. through personal experience ? or someone you know ? doesnt really matter.if you dont want to say.just curious. im still in process of trying to change sons social worker by writing a letter. he hasnt done anything for us. just picks petty faults like he didnt like me keeping my saucepans on top the oven when it was not in use. well the lids were on. so they cant gather too much dust and i live in flat so getting saucepans out can be quite noisy. and its more convenient.he said most people keep them in cupboards. so now we have to all be the same? even though his own culture eat off the floor which is fine by me. so he should know we are all different and except those differences.stop picking fault and help. he is also quite rude in general.anger management sounds good. i might try and get that for my son. i might need it too so i can keep taking it without reacting. Heather, isnt it horrible when they are not angry at anybody but you. my son does this too.And it never stops .it is too intense isnt it.when its all aimed at one person.. it sounds even harder for you because your son has a disability. so he can play on your guilt more. and using it as an excuse maybe? i am so fed up with guessing what wrong with son. that seems to be left to the parents too. we have to be phychiatrists too. because i cant proove sons behaviour i have to diagnose him myself. he has adhd and ocd in my opinion.with jackel in hyde targeted behaviour syndrom. sara hope you dont mind me mentioning it on here.looked this up its when they target their behaviour problems on one person only. but the programme is so expensive i cant afford it. good luck with social services heather. hope you get a good one.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  42. micky

    July 18, 2012

    son walked in door 5.30 hadnt seen him all day and he was extremely angry at me. he said it was because i spoke to his work experience boss on phone about how he enjoyed the work. he accused me of following him and speaking to everyone in secret. he does not like me talking to anyone that he knows. he thinks im saying bad things about him. so he does have a guilty consuence then! he then sat on toilet with door open and threw his heavy shoes at me.but missed. he was histerical. shouting screaming threatening. shouting lies. i called police . the local station. not emergency. they turned up with two or three police cars with sirens. just to tell me they cant do anything because he has done nothing. i believe the sirens were deliberate to make me look stupid. they said to put more pressure on ss and doctor. i told them i lay boudaries im not soft. and that im going round in circles because school has no problem with him . so i doubt they will refer him to chams for some proper help. my neighbour was egging son on by shouting he hasnt even done anything when he thought i was out. my sons lies are getting me down the ones he shouts on fall volume for my neighbours to here. when the police asked what i want them to do i said just tell him to go out for a while to calm down.the police said they cant do that . hes your child, you cant have him out on the streets wondering around. they said thats not their job. but the lady on the phone said thats why they are coming round to get him out of here. my sons anger doesnt fit the situation. and it usually lasts for hours and days. i told police i am going round in circles. they are so prejudice on single mothers it is obvious. they are corrupt anyway. the good ones are few and far between. its not about blame , whether its the parents the single mothers, the police and law. its just about someone needing help and no one giving it. because they dont like you, or they cant be bothered. because i know full well there are people who are paid to help you. but they not doing it. one of the police wouldnt let me speak. or finish a sentence. so could see the prejudism seeping through.i was searched for drugs this year while waiting at bus stop to go to sainsburies. just because i said hello and had chat with a neighbour who was walking past.i dont do drugs. and that same policeman shouted at me once when i called them cause when son was little he had stones thrown at his head. these are community support officers. often i wish i had the guts to end my life . to show son i wasnt prepared to take it anymore and to show him what hes done . the damage done and to show him this is what happens when you push someone who has no rights too far and too often. then he will have to grow up. my neighbours probably think its hilarious that i got police cars with sirens on son for throwing shoes. wont be calling them again. Maybe i should call Gordon Ramsey. He is good at getting through to people. son is on door now but i have locked him out. dont want him in cant face it. i resent him so much.the kids outside are laughing. son doesnt get on with them but shouts out lies about me and repeats them so often im afraid other kids will join in. i get nightmares about my son often. that he is pinning me down and being abusive. some stuff i wouldnt dare mention on here its too wierd. but a lot of my dreams about him have come true.when i thought at the time they were far fetched. i cant tell the difference between him and his dad who doesnt bother seeing him. he is so alike and his dad was abusive too. i try to not see the similarities, when son is nice i cant see any similarities, its when he being abusive. son nver saw dad being abusive to me . i left when he was baby. but he seen him being abusive to women and controlling them. vulnerable women. what is it about police and ss ect that turn them so prejudice and in to watching women suffer so badly. i better let him in.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  43. Barbara Quinn

    July 19, 2012

    My husband and I are 66 and both partially handicapped. My youngest daughter, 28 years, and her husband offered to take over the payments of our large home in Santa Barbara, and we would live in the small guest house. They said they wanted to be close to help take care of us. Things have become unbearable and crazy. When I want to talk with my daughter I have to ask permission. She yells at me about what a horrible mother I was and what a terrible person I have become. Yesterday she told me I could not go to their house at all and she is building a wall around our place so we cant get to them. I had a fall about 3 weeks ago and needed her to take me to the hospital. She told me she would never take me again because she is busy. If I go outside to water she turns the water off. We have no conversations just her yelling at me. Financially we are stuck. We used to rent the house out for income, but they live there now. She says she is putting us in a retirement home, quite a distance away, so she isn’t bothered by us anymore. This has effected my health drastically. I have high blood pressure and suffered a stroke since they moved in. I don’t know what to do. My husband was born and raised in this house and says he refuses to leave. I have made appt with counselor but don’t really know if anything can be done. My daughter just tells meI am crazy and a terrible person. What can be done?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  44. micky

    July 20, 2012

    this is bournemouth police

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Barbara Quinn

      July 20, 2012

      Thank you for your advice. I will try to get a recorder. I just can’t believe this is happening. When they took over the payments on the house, they demanded that we put the house in their name. The loan is still in my husbands name, but now they are telling us they can force us to move to any location they choose. I also forgot to mention my grand daughter that they won’t allow me to see. That is the biggest hartbreak of all. My daughter told me they don’t want her around old people. I don’t know what I did wrong. I was the room mother in school, I was the brownie leader and girl scout leader. They wanted horses, I bought them horses and putthem in pony club. They wanted to play soccer, I coaced their team and was on the soccer board for 6 years. I wanted them to have everything I never had. I just don’t think I deserve this treatment. I was told I would never have children and they are my 2 miracles. I am at my wits end.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  45. micky

    July 20, 2012

    thats awful barbara. sounds like their motives arent good. if that was me i would start taping them. with digital recorder and camera secretely. so u have some form of evidence. then u have some control. sounds like they want to out so they can have all to themselves tape them and shame them

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  46. micky

    July 20, 2012

    u could be in danger

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  47. Barbara Quinn

    July 20, 2012

    Micky, thanks so much for your advice and caring. I have never been able to tell anyone what is going on. I am so ashamed and embarressed. When I tell people that my kids live in the large house and we live in the guest house everyone thinks how great it is to be so close to family. I have finally made an appointment to talk with a counselor, but I am still nervous about what she will say. I don’t know how it got to this point. It defineitly has effected my health. Thanks so much for listening to me. Just talking and seeing this in print helps make it real for me.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      July 21, 2012

      Hi Barbara, I’m sorry to hear that you and your husband are in such a fix. I agree, you should talk to your counselor. I’d also think about talking with your personal physician, since this is influencing your and your husbands health. Stress can cause lots of problems for people of any age.

      Also, make a point to let them know that there is talk about having a wall built around you. I don’t think that’s good either.

      Also, you might need to speak with the real estate agent and maybe even your attorney.

      Wishing you the best!

      …and Micky, thanks for being here (I stay busy working online a lot)

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  48. micky

    July 20, 2012

    its heart breaking isnt it when they hate u so much for no reason. i use to think it was because my son was only child and only had me to take things out on. but from what i see it is children whos parents have done a lot for them. but have grown contempt towards us because of. Good luck with the councellor. i dont think people listen in general if u try and tell em your kids are bullying u. but they do on here. and not being able to see your grandaughter when she only lives very near in your old house is horrible.with all the other abuse too.i hope things change for u x

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  49. Barbara Quinn

    July 21, 2012

    Thanks so much Micky. I will definitely let you know how it goes. Your support and caring means a lot to me

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  50. micky

    July 21, 2012

    thanks for your reply sara and barbara its pleasure. i hope u do get back and tell us how its going
    even if its just to let us know u still alive!x

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Barbara Quinn

      July 23, 2012

      Hello again. Today I went to a wonderful counselor. She gave me information on places to go for legal help. She assured me that no matter what I do not deserve to be treated or talked to in an abusive manner. I have talked with my husband and we have many serious decisions to make. Legally when we signed the property over to her name, for whatever reason, we are in serious trouble. A lawyer can help us and we can go to court to have it reversed, but until then we are at her mercy. She has the legal right to evict us if she chooses. I am trying to wrap my mind around this but the pain is blocking the reality. So we must decide if we can talk with my daughter and her husband and ask them to pay us the money they promised and try to just relocate somewhere else. My husband has spiraled into such a serious depression that I am afraid he will end up hospitalized. For me at this moment I think moving would be the healthiest for both of us. My husband grew up in this house with his mom. She was diagnosed with brain cancer and he was here to take care of her until the end. I hope this will help someone else to be careful with their choices. Devastated doesn’t cover this feeling. I don’t know how this will play out, I can’t see a happy ending, but I think we will have to start over at 66 somewhere else. I want to thank Micky and Sara for their support and understanding. I will keep in touch, in the hopes there is a satisfactory solution to this craziness. Take care everyone

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  51. Heather

    July 24, 2012

    Thank you Sara and Micky for your well-wishes. My son has now moved out. The police were really nasty to me last time they came. The policewoman said to me: “He is abusing you because you let him. You have no backbone.” What a stupid and ill-informed thing to say to someone who has been suffering bullying. Anyway he’s staying with my sister and my mum now (alternately) until he can be rehoused. He won’t speak to me but the Relate sessions have started. So maybe that will help heal our relationship.

    Micky – I am sorry things are so bad for you still and that the police are not being helpful. I too think they do things to embarrass us. For example they were speaking to my son outside on the doorstep when the man next door was outside. I was mortified and can’t speak to my neighbours for embarrassment. I do hope you find some useful help somewhere. I realise your son is too young to leave home but you desperately need help and support. Have you thought about trying Women’s Aid or a domestic violence support group?

    Love and best wishes to Barbara too. You have given your daughter a lot and don’t deserve to be treated like this. I hope that the counselling helps you to sort things out.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • micky

      July 26, 2012

      barbara im glad u had a good councellor. i know nothing is solved and things could well get worse but at least u may have some hope of reversing the ownership. your daughter ect are acting out of greed and spite and recentment and u have to fight them with a broken heart. its unfair and cruel. and moving out seems like giving up but if its affecting ur health and husbands and u feel its the only way out of the severe stress then doesnt mean u gave up on yourselves. or gave in to them.u just want an easier life. if u move out will that make it more difficult for u to claim house back. if u do move out, and they win on the house why dont u burn it down!!!!
      by accident of course!! only joking!

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  52. micky

    July 26, 2012

    hi heather glad to here your son left home. sorry it ended like it did. thanks for ur comment on the police. doesnt sound very tactful talkin infront of ur neighbour with son. bet they were community support officers. there r some really lovely ones but there are some useless ones too who get in a sulk cause theyd rather be out catching real criminals. well our sons if not stopped now turn into those real criminals. but we dont have the rights to lay boundaries do we or stay in control do we. i cant believe the police were nasty to you after it was them who adviced u to lock him out. its a pitty they cant have the same police around all the time instead of hundreds of different ones. its impossible when each policeman has there own personal opinion on your situation. or prejudisms ect. and they dont mind telling u either! dont feel bad (i bet u do). u did right thing by the sounds of it. and it might be the best thing u could have done for him although he wont think so now. why should u have to take it. if all the other family mollycoddle him then they got it coming! x

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  53. Barbara Quinn

    July 26, 2012

    Micky you are such a caringperson and sometimes that is a detriment. You do have a way to go and time drags when you are being told no one cares etc. I do know that until the age of 18, in California, we have the right to be protected from our children. I have found out there are adult advocates that listen and can offer advice. Very hard to get authorities involved in your life. If possible, try to document his actions and threats especially. At his age you have the legal right to make decisions for your protection. Putting your child into the “system” usually goes against what a mother wants. We just want peace and respect. There are ways to have your child mentally valuated through counselling. There are group homes that help teach children the reality of respect and the consequenches of treating people, expecially parents badly. I have been checking, even tho they don’t apply in my situation, but these homes set up a plan with parents and have very good counseling for both side. Micky, I feel you need support from peers and a break from abuse. In Santa Barbara i was informed of the Center for Successful Aging. They offer peer counseling and legal advise for free. I have seen a peer counselor and its wonderful to talk with someone who has been there and done that. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope there are people you can talk with to come to a resolution to this nightmare. Thanks for your caring and the advice you gave me.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  54. micky

    July 26, 2012

    thanks for your comments barbara. im glad u get free councelling from someone who really knows what u going through. hope they with u all the way. i complained about my sons social worker (only been with him few weeks) he was rude and unhelpful , had meeting with his manager and hes giving us new social worker.also he said they can refer son to chams so thats good. havent met her yet but fingers crossed she will be ok. they probably dont call it chams in america! it is for proffesional help for son and me. hope they dont blame the mother too! he is good at hiding behaviour and manipulating others into believing its me. at least i have some hope for now.and he has an intense intervention man who sees him once a week. but son always comes back angry after seeing him. wont say why. but says he is helpful. i dont have his number only son does. so i still have noone to call if any trouble at the moment. not sure if they do advocates for parents with abusive children here in england. not found one yet. had abuse today and will get it again tommorow. i locked him out today. for few hours. needed a brake.
    he should go out more anyway instead of hanging around me getting agressive. take it easy x

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  55. Barbara Quinn

    July 26, 2012

    Micky you remain in my thoughts. I will keep my fingers crossed that the new social worker can see whats really going on. I hope you can find peace in your life soon. I feel as if I was guided to this web site, it made me realize that other people really do care and understand because they have been there. Please keep us informed as to progress because I believe you have turned a corner and things will improve. All of us are here to listen and offer any help possible. My best wishes I send your way.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  56. micky

    July 28, 2012

    xxx

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Heather

      July 29, 2012

      Thanks Micky,
      I hope things are not too bad for you at the moment. It is very quiet here without my son and I’m a bit lonely but it’s better than all the aggro and bullying from my son. I do miss him though but I miss the nice parts of him. Take care.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  57. Casting Producer

    July 30, 2012

    I came across this article and I found it to be very informative. I am reaching out from a television production company based in NYC. We are currently developing a new documentary-style TV series that shares the stories of families whose lives have been impacted by the alarming behavior of their children. Those families who participate will receive financial compensation for their involvement. We are looking to speak with people from all backgrounds and walks of life in the hopes of sharing stories that many of our viewers can connect with, relate to and learn from. Those interested in learning more can contact me at ParentingStruggles@gmail.com. Thank you.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      July 31, 2012

      Hello Casting Director. Offering a name would be helpful. Also, does your television production company based in NYC have a website we can view? Thanks

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  58. Christel hall

    July 31, 2012

     I have a 14 year old daughter who has been physically abusing me often. She is diabetic and is rebelling against the disease. This is how the behavior always begins. Her father and I are divorced and I am remarried. She acts like a princess to my husband, and although he can see and hear what she does to me, she will tell him it’s me being abusive to her. The last time she hit me, which was 2 days ago, I called her father and asked him to please pick her up, I couldn’t handle it anymore. He drove the 2 hour drive at 10 p.m. And got a hotel so they could talk and calm down. He asked if they could try her moving in with him, and I said yes. I never thought I would say that but I am physically and emotionally spent. She refuses. The next morning, before bringing her home, he takes her shopping, thus rewarding her for her actions! So she comes home all high and mighty. Daddy saved the day, but what about me? Anytime I try to approach her, I get threatened, she wishes me to get cancer and die. I don’t know what to do. I have taken her phone, iPod, television and all forms of Internet that she has. She’s very materialistic, I’ve gone as far as taking away her favorite clothing. Wrong or right? I don’t know. Something has got to give. I pray for the day that this ends. 

    Sent from my iPad

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Avatar of Sara Valor

      Sara Valor

      July 31, 2012

      Hello Christel, I’m sorry to hear that you find yourself in the same sort of boat as the rest of us. But, I am glad you found the article and hope in some way it might be helpful to you too. If nothing else, it offers a place to freely express yourself and your feelings about your situation.

      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  59. Barbara Quinn

    July 31, 2012

    Hello again. Micky and Heather I really hope things are smoothing out for you. Micky what do you think of the new social worker, I hope you have had the opportunity to speak and get to know this person by now. Heather, I truly understand your feelings of missing your son, and remembering the good times. The good times always come to mind first, almost like labor and delivery, you forget the pain and focus on the miracle. Heather I hope you have close family that can help reinforce the fact that you did nothing wrong and time can change people. I applaud your strength. Micky of course you are included, you need to know people believe in you and want the best possible outcome for you. I am sending you a large hug and please know that people who have been there really do care. Having this site to vent is wonderful I agree and wouldn’t it be great if we could have a place for parents to go to talk to other parents, face to face, and realize that this too shall pass. I have read so many peoples stories and not one story did I even hear the hint of a parent wanting to just walk away. Parents just want to have back the child they love unconditionally. My thoughts are with you all, Barbara

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  60. Sam

    August 5, 2012

    Dear Judith,

    I know what you’re talking about. At 70 plus it is extremely hard to accept and comprehend one’s children not wanting any future contact with one.

    A good home, lots of love, wonderful dad, pleasant happy mom, very little stress, no demands made, successful children etc etc.

    Now they don’t speak to each other (and they were best friends) and one by one they have decided that I am dead to them (their dad passed away over 20 years ago).

    I would like to know whether I am making a correct assumption: They were all three extremely ‘gifted’ children with very far above average IQ’s. Could it be that mentally they are almost over developed and emotionally totally undeveloped?

    Their emotional reasoning is terribly complicated and makes no sense to me.

    My son told me that he was seeing a Psychologist because his father raised his eyebrow if he was surprised or disapproved of something. This from an adored son who was never under any stress to perform.
    All three of them were rediculously good at school without even doing much studying. They went on to University and became happy academics.

    I have been left emotionally drained and miss not ever hearing from them. Never ever, I am a sad old woman looking forward to closing the door on this life.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 3.0/5 (1 vote cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  61. Chell Wood

    September 3, 2012

    I am 41 & a single mother of 2 children with depression & anxiety. I have raised my children all by myself (neither father wanting contact) & nor do i have any real family support. I have a son 5 & daughter 14 & for many years I have been abused by my daughter-giving me altumatums, lying, running away,will NOT listen to a word i say, speaking to me like crap & the list goes on.
    I have moved from state to state because of my daughters abuse which has always ended with myself & my son being abused by other parents because of my daughter doing some thing to their children.
    I have tried to get help for her from mental health departments & always seem to get the brush off. My daughter needs psychiatric help or she will definitely end up physically abusive & that scares me to death.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  62. Jeneric Durham

    December 26, 2012

    Hello. I happen to came across yor website and I think that it was very informative. I am a parent of a 15 year old teen and I am having a starting to have a lot problems with him and I don't have any family support. He has just started to be very defiant with me and his step dad. He is always intimidating and hits his two little siblings and I've told him several time to knock it off. Now he is trying to be verbally abusive to me. He is refusing to live by my rules and I can take it no more. So I am thinking about putting him into Jbcorp or kicking him out when he turns 16. For I have to look after best of interests my two little children. My 15 yeaer old teen is basically is trying to run my house and to he several times "You don't run this house I do ; so if you are not going to live by my rules then you can get out. For I will not tolerate it here." But it just went in one ear and out the other. So, do you think that by me putting him into Jobcorp is a gpod decision? Because as the old folks say he is smelling his musk and my next decision if not Jobcorp is emanicapating him.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Sara Valor

      December 26, 2012

      Hi Jen, I understand how you feel. I suppose the best thing to do is to sit down and talk with him. Let him know that this is serious and then ask him if he'd rather go to Jobcorp or be emancipated. At 16, he should be grown up enough to understand – let's hope so for the good of the whole family.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  63. JULIANA Prinsloo

    December 30, 2013

    Hi – My husband and I have been victims of verbal and emotional abuse with threats to harm for on 40yrs from our daughter. I have lost my husband now in March with extreme aggresive pancreatic cancer and now my support system is gone and I still suffer the abuse. She cunningly drives people and friends away by letting her look the innocent one to be and I to be this bad bad monster of a mother. And people believe her while our sons have always seen us as the best parents one could wish to have. Emotionally I can not carry on anymore with this. Where can I find help – please help me! Thank you kindly – Julie.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  64. Avatar of Sara Valor

    Sara Valor

    February 24, 2012

    Thank you Cookies and Cowpies for featuring this parent abuse article on your site. :)

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Add a comment

jfb_p_buttontext

  1. Why Would Abuse Victims Keep Silent? « Cookies and Cowpies12-18-11

Are you a member yet? Join 10,000 top mom and dad bloggers! Already Type-A-wesome? Login!

Close

2014 Type-A Conferences

We have an exciting 2014 planned with our 6th annual conference in Atlanta, plus a bootcamp at Walt Disney World (focus: business and brands) and Disneyland (focus: growth, SEO and traffic).

Find out more...

2014 Sponsors

 

 

 

Want your brand at the world's top parent blog conference? Download the sponsorship deck.

Join 10,000 Power Bloggers

Type-A Parent™, established 2007, was the first social network for parents who blog. It's also the world's top conference for mom and dad bloggers. Type-A Parent is where business-minded mom and dad bloggers connect, learn and network – both online and IRL. Want blogging tips, networking opportunities and PAID GIGS? join

Type-A Parent Bloggers

Type-A Parent on Pinterest

  • DIY Wall Words- Tutorials and ideas, including this from Juditu!

  • Follow Me on Pinterest