Over the years, we have heard a great deal about child abuse and eventually elderly abuse, which is a good thing. Many people have had the need for help and resources for most likely thousands of years, before anyone really started talking about these types of abusive situations, since many people will naturally hide the fact of abuse.
Why Would Abuse Victims Keep Silent?
People who have been on the harmful and hurting end of abuse are scared. They are scared that it will happen again. In some cases, they may even be afraid for their life or the life of another. The abuser, who has already manhandled and abused them, threatens some abuse victims, regardless of their gender or age.
Abuse victims may be embarrassed, because there are so few others who finally take as much abuse as they can stand and then stand up after too much abuse to sound the warning or blow the whistle on the person or persons who are the abusers.
Each situation is different and things can often become very complicated for the victim of abuse. Victims experience pain, suffering, mental anguish, emotional upset, nervousness, fear and a host of other negative influences after being abused, especially by someone that they love.
Remember, love is supposed to be a many splendid thing. Love is not supposed to be frightening and physically painful. Many people who suffer from abuse are terribly confused about the way they feel about their abuser. They often tippy-toe around the person who abuses them hoping that nothing they do will trigger another abusive episode in their life.
What is Abuse?
According to the dictionary, abuse is to mistreat a person or an animal in a cruel manner, whether that is physical abuse, psychological abuse or sexual abuse, especially on a regular basis or habitually. Therefore, Animal Abuse is abusing animals, Child Abuse is that of abusing a child or children, Elderly Abuse is abusing senior citizens and naturally, Parent Abuse is that of abusing a parent, regardless of the gender.
Parent Abuse Does Happen
Parent abuse happens just like all the other types of abuse happen, whether we want to know it, recognize it or acknowledge it. Parent abuse happens in the lives of many people, regardless of where they live or who they are. Abuse does not only happen in areas of poverty or to the uneducated. You should consider yourself and your home very lucky to never, suffer from any type of abuse.
What Should You Do if You are Suffering from Parent Abuse?
If you are being abused by your children, you need help and you need help desperately. It may not sound like the life you dreamed of having with loving children in a safe home. If you are being abused by your child, now is the time to talk with someone, someone who can be of assistance. If you say nothing, you stand a chance of the table being turned on you if instead your child goes to screeching, “My Parent is Abusing Me.” Moreover, do not think that that seemingly mild mannered child would not do something like that to you after they have already beaten you up.
Do Not Hit or Return the Abusive Manners
If your child or children are abusing you, do not hit! Do not return any of the abusive manners they are giving to you, back to them. Sure, you might feel the need to tear up a tail when they need it, but if you are dealing with an abusive child that has no respect for itself or you; you are only running full steam ahead into a big brick wall that may see you behind bars. Remember, while you are being abused, keep your hands, feet and head to your self, retaliation does you no good and only complicates the matter. If you are hitting or abusing your child in return, eventually you will only make things worse for yourself.
Call the Authorities
It may be embarrassing, it may hurt your inner self to consider turning a child, regardless of his or her age into the authorities; however, it is necessary to make the official reports concerning the matter. Too many times, parents hesitate when at any other time they would have the law onto anyone else who was abusing them or their children. Although, it is embarrassing and hurts it is something that needs to be done.
When you are abused, as soon as possible you need to contact the police or the sheriff’s office to let them know what is going on. Even if they do not come to the house, they have your information recorded in their logbook. That information in their logbooks can work for you as some sort of evidence that you have been experiencing abuse.
The Abusive Child Claiming the Parent is Abusive
This can seem to a child an easy out, especially if there are others who are siding with the child or even encouraging the child in the abuse. Unbelievably there are people regardless of their age that will do this, even if they know you are not an abusive type of person. It does happen. The child may think that if they can have you arrested and taken to jail, their problems of not wanting to follow rules is finished.
It is much easier for a child to claim you are an abusive parent if you try to protect yourself by hitting them back when they hit you. Do not fall into this trap. Short of being killed by a child, you should try to get away from them, in another room and then call the authorities.
It may hurt and it may make you mad, but you may fair better by just taking the beating and when it is over then calling the law rather than trying to control your child by force. It is always better if it is you who makes the first call to report the abuse, rather than putting it off and hoping for the best, and then finding after you have been abused again, your child has reported you as an abusive parent.
If this happens, simply tell the law the truth, the whole truth and then work with them and any helpful resources your community may have for abused parents. Nevertheless, you need to know that there is not as much awareness of this matter as there are for child abuse or elderly abuse. Resources are lacking, but in some areas, you may find that you do have a support system already in place. Take advantage of your local resources.
Related posts:
Sara Valor
Sara Valor is a WAHM, a Katrina Survivor and a Freelance Writer on a Mission!
44 Responses to Parent Abuse
Leave a Reply
Register or Log In
Type-A Parent Conference
Type-A Parent Conference 2012 registration is open! Type-A is in its fourth year, and will be held in Charlotte. Find out more at the official conference site.
Pinterest For Dummies
Pinterest For Dummies by Kelby Carr, CEO of Type-A Parent, will be published soon. Preorder at For Dummies, Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Get Type-A in Your Inbox
For Companies and Firms
Get sponsorship information for Type-A Parent Conference 2012.
Type-A Parent Founder and CEO Kelby Carr is powered by Keurig K-Cups.
Latest Pins on Pinterest
-
Geekerific!
-
Nicki Woo - The Home Guru: Coffee Protein Smoothie with a bit of banana thrown in.
-
Awesome functional iPhone case!
-
I have found your article very helpful for my university project on social awareness. I am planning on doing advertisement for a parent helpline, like childline. Thanks to your article i can now start on designs as i am more aware of what help is available and what parent abuse entails
Many thanks
G.Manby
Hi Gina, I’m glad you enjoyed reading my parent abuse article. I’m glad it has been helpful. Feel free to share the link if you like so others can find this information as well.
Best Wishes!
Could you tell me where I can obtain more information on this topic, specifically parent abuse by an adopted child?
Thanks for writing on this subject. There is so little information because victims of emotional abuse by adult children rarely speak up about it. I am trying to break the silence. My daughter has been abusing me since a teenager. It continues now that she’s in her late thirties. I fear having her care for me when I’m elderly. Don’t know who else will look after me when I no longer can. She and my son have literally broken my heart. I was too soft and too generous with them… spoiled them. I did work outside the home, not because I wanted to but because I had to financially. You see, it’s easy to turn the blame on yourself, even when they are old enough to be mature. I love my Mother and am concerned for her welfare. She was not the perfect parent, nor am I but I love and respect her for the individual she is. Wish I knew what went wrong.
This is exactly the situation I am in not sure what to do! Youngest is 20 oldest is 27- with 3 inbetween- they are extremely abusive if I dont hand out money whenever they want it. They dont say a word if my husband is home.
It was helpful to me to read your sad and distressing story as I am in a similar position, my son is 26 and I am a single disabled parent. I also have an almost 18yr old daughter but both of my children have left home. My son is the abusive child and has been for many years-physically,mentally&emotionally. The emotional scars are the worst and I have had a life time of every form of abuse imaginable since a very young age-I am now 48. I do understand when you say who will look after me in later life. Fear is a very exhausting emotion and living like this is allowing them the power to control us!! I told my son just a few days ago over the phone that I am and have been afraid of him for many years as I broke down crying through yet another episode of his and all he did was continue talking about his self!! All I know is that you are not alone and more should be done to help people like us. take care of you and Best Wishes my friend, Diane.
Hello Valerie and Donna,
Valerie, I wrote this article because it happened to me and these are the things I found out after having it happen. All I can tell you is to make some local calls and do some searching online.
Donna, I am sorry to hear this and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do, since there is already a pattern of parent abuse going on in your life.
First, you need to understand that there is no real perfect parent, as parents we can only try to do our best, just as our parents tried to do their best. Life is not perfect for any of us, we just learn and grow as we go.
My best advice is given above in the article.
Make your voice be heard by the local authorities, it may be embarrassing and uncomfortable, but it is one of the very few options available today. It hurts to have to do so to a child, but it is the child’s actions of abuse that are screaming for attention. If nothing else, by talking to the authorities, someone else at least Knows What Is Going On In Your Home.
You the abused parent, are responsible for making it known whether you like it or not. By not doing so, you enable the abusive child to continue and you enable them to be the first to make a call that is untrue when they think that is their way out.
The only way to stop the abuse that I can think of is to make it known.
Wishing you all the very best, while encouraging you to be strong in your stand for what is right and true.
Maybe one day there will be more help, there should be now, but hopefully there will be some in the future.
Their father was an abuser- thats why I left- I brought up 5 kids alone and this is how I get repaid?
Yvonne, I’d recommend talking to your husband about the problem, that sounds like a good start, besides he needs to know what is going on if you are being treated violently by your children. I’m sorry this is happening and hope you can find the help you need, I think talking with your husband about the situation may be your first step. It might not be easy, but you can do it.
Best of Luck!
i have a 14 yr old adhd child my abuse from him started when he was 6 yrs old insults ,as hes grown older i have been insulted the police were called i didnt press charges i was to enbarrsed and also i wanted to give him a chance he has been excluded from 4 schoo;ls i ahve had social services on to me twice tells them i hit him the social services look at u as i piece of nothing i have told them the insults and abuse i been threw as i have seen ion many sightds there is no help anywhere for this situation for me and other parents around the world its very hard to face up to this thats happing to u x
Hi Vic, I’m really sorry this is happening to you and your child. All I can tell you is to keep loving him, pray for him and make sure that you talk to others about the situation. There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Unfortunately, parent abuse is real, it does happen. Just keep talking to others, let them know what is going on. Keeping your mouth shut about such a situation only causes you more problems in the long run that talking about it and letting others know what is happening and how you feel about it.
Came accross your article. it helped. I am 57 my wife is 55. we have a 38 year old son who had done drugs since a teenager. We made the mistake in the past, of not reporting his thresats and insults, his breaking in when we’ve changed the locks. He dosn’t work and he comes and goes from the house as he pleases. He has a girlfriend who he thinks is going to move in an she is expecting a baby in 6 months that isn’t his. I think since he is approaching middle-age and has nothing, he thinks we will support him ang give him what he cabn’t get himself. He gets really verbally abusive to my wife and dispises her, getting into her face and calling her everything you can imagine. You are right i sometimes feel hopeless.
Hi Robert, I am so sorry that this is happening to your family. I also agree that even though we may not want too, sometimes we need too or should. The past is gone, the only thing you can do now is protect yourselves.
You did your best I am sure to raise your child to become a good person, a good man. It is way past time for him to grow up and act like a man. Do what you have to do, you have permission to take care of your family without being victims of parent abuse.
Get in touch with local resources. Go visit the Sheriff or the Police Chief and just sit down and talk with them. If you need to make out a report, then do it. But, I think just letting them know what is going on is good since it will be logged in their log books. These types of things are important when you are in an abusive relationship.
Take care!
IMHO, he first needs to deal with his drug issue. Good programs, such as Narconon also deal with those issues, and the person as a whole. Good luck to you. Doing nothing will NOT end the problem. God bless.
My sisters child is 15. He verbally and physically abuse her for many years. She repeatedly reported him to the social workers,police, pastor, school head master but it seems nobody believes her. I am the witness to his abuse but don’t know what to do to help her. I know he will one day kill her. He threaten her with death if she go to the police again. Please help. I am living in South Africa.
Hello Santie, I am so sorry to hear of this situation. The best advice I can give you is for you to go talk with the authorities alone. Tell them your story of what you see and hear. This will give your sister a bit more support. I hope that they will believe you, I cannot see how they cannot if you let them know what you have seen and heard.
Doing so does not mean that you do not care for your nephew. By letting the authorities know of the situation you are helping both your sister and your nephew.
Also, you should consider talking with the local pastor if one is available to you. Talking with them might be the best first move in your particular situation. Is there any type of resource at all to help you? If there are talk with some of those people as well.
Keeping quite about something that is going on that is hurting others or will build up to hurt others is the worst thing you can do.
Speaking out about abuse is the only thing that can start the ball rolling to get the help and resources that abused parents need.
I hope that helps, give your sister an extra hug from me.
my 13 year old son has been very aggressive and abusive name calling destructive breaking things (doorframes, scratching the car, vases dishes, cutting up the couch, etc.) the sherriff when they came said I needed to give him a real pounding I told them I was afraid of him saying I was abusing him he says that all the time anyway even when I don’t touch him at all. He has been in two residential facilities neither has helped.
Hi Kim, I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing parent abuse too. I guess it all just depends on the person/law enforcement office that comes along. Some will tell you to beat the meanness out of your kids, others would take you down for child abuse. This makes it even more difficult to know what to do.
However, I can only say that maybe talking to someone in the mental health field may be helpful or maybe talk with a counselor from one of the two residential facilities you already have experience with.
I finally decided the best thing to do with my teen is just let her know that I was not going to put up with being beat on and abused by her. I told her if it happens again, the law can help me take care of her. That is not what I want to do, but if she cannot control herself, there are bound to be some type of resources in the system that can help her.
I’m not abusive, and I’m not going to jail because someone else cannot control their temper and keep their hands and feet to themselves.
I hope that you can find the parent abuse resources you need to help you and your son.
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? I have a friend in Council Bluffs Iowa who cannot get ANY help. Her rather large daughter continues to push, hit and knock down her mother, who is disabled. The police won’t help…no one will.
This is an awesome post what I was looking for parent abuse.by the way Im come back soon for visit your next event. Thanks
Hello Veronica and Alex, thanks for visiting my parent abuse article. No, it is not easy and the only answers I have are already listed here. All I know to tell you is to keep a positive attitude and just keep trying to make things better by bringing the truth of the matter of parent abuse to light…
Ive been suffering constant abuse from my 12 year old since he was 3 long long time.In the last 5 years this abuse has moved onto my daughters and now my partner of 7 years.He is verbally agressive nasty he threatens us he intimidates us he tries to run us he beats his sisters he doesnt do as he told i could go on.We have many proffessionals involved in our family but nothing is working.We have had restpite only a month from socialservices police are involved they dont know what else we can do apart from go down the right channels which does not work.Have you any suggestions as my family is falling apart.
I did just reply to Clare, but it isn’t showing up here. I’m thinking that since I replied from the user panel, that maybe that message went straight to her email box, rather than posting here on this article. This is fine with me, if it did. Clare, if you did not get a reply in your email box, let me know and I’ll post again here from the article. Thanks.
I have a 13 yr old son who is the oldest boy out of three boys and and two older sisters. He is a wonderful boy and a good kid, although every now and then when he gets really mad for example i took his phone last night and he shoved me and hit me and called me names. i had to call his father home last night to help me deal with it along with trying to stay on the phone with my mother so she could hear what was going on. I love my son with all my heart, but the hitting and shoving has to stop.. i had thought about boot camp for the summer but then i dont know if i could be with out him that long or if it would do any good. my husband is a injured marine and thinks it would do him some good.. he doesnt believe in councling or therapy so he doesnt want his son going to that he has as well hit his father and bucked up to him in the past as well.. please i love him so much but what am i suppose to do. i know i didnt fail as a mom but i know im not perfect, there has to be something i can do.. Any advice?
Hello Rene, I have to say, I agree with your husband. Boot camp for the summer will make a big difference in the way your son handles himself and others around him.
I’m an Army brat, my father raised us like we were his own little platoon. I know that the things they will teach your son are good things that will make him a better man.
One of my nephews was sent to boot camp. He was a good boy who got caught up with some unsavory company. He got into trouble at school. The school recommended boot camp, his parents agreed. The difference in the boy is amazing. He is respectful and kind. He stopped all his arguing for nonsense. He stands up for what is right now, whether his old friends agree with it or not. I also think that the experience with boot camp somehow helped my nephew to not become overwhelmed by the issues he may experience.
Boot camp can make a big difference in children. Boot camp will only last for a short time. Boot camp will help your child and you will have returned to you a better boy, who has a better chance of becoming a good, respectable man that you can be proud of. My opinion, go for it. It will help.
Another thing to consider is that you are dealing with the oldest child of the three boys. It is only natural that the others might follow suit, if they see their oldest sibling getting away with parent abuse. You need to consider what outcome you might have in the future with these younger children, if you do not get the help you need for the oldest.
My brother in law is 13 and doesn’t know what to do about his mothers physical and mental abuse. I told him he should talk to his school counseler but they don’t have one and the school principal said she doesn’t want to get involved. I think the family is staying quiet because they fear her. My wife has cut her out of our lives due to her abuse and now her brother is having to deal with her. I’m trying to help him but i don’t know what i can other than calling the police since the school has failed him in my opinion.
I’m sorry to hear this Dan, and to be quite frank, I am surprised that there is no school counselor. I’ve never been to or heard of a school with no counselor. What about a Guidance counselor, they have no guidance counselor either? hmmm, strange one to me…
It is sad that the boy is now having to deal with this situation. However, it seems that the best answer might be to contact the authorities. You are right the school is failing in its duties. Just about anywhere else the school would be all upset and causing a big ruckus when a child is being abused. Shame on that school system and that principal. It is a shame that the boy may suffer since they hold no interest in his well-being.
You are right, he does need help. If you are the only one who will stand up for him, then he has someone and that is a good thing. Watch out for him as best you can.
Maybe calling around your area, find out more about what needs to be done, what can be done. Children deserve better and he needs all the help he can get. Talk to someone you trust and find out more about what can be done to help this child.
My heart goes out to him and I salute you for anything you can do to help him.
I wish I could say more, but the ball seems to be in your court. I wish you and your family the best.
My lovely wife and I have been married since 98, she is 16 years older than me and means the world to me. My stepsons are 26 (lived with me/us since he was 5) and 30 (lived with his father, since he wanted to be “raised by a man” prior to me in the picture) and are both very needy and emotionally abusing to my wife. The younger is extremely vulgar and the older just started the same yesterday 12/8/2011 while my wife and I were at the funeral of her mother. They both have a felony record (1 violent and 1 reproducing and using counterfiet money). They do not see that they are torturing us daily about their needs,tag teaming we call it, whether it’s texting/calling/showing up at the door unannounced. etc. My wife (retired after 38 years from her job 4 years ago) had a stroke 2 years ago and they have never shown any kind of kindness toward her unless they had a motive. If they are cordial, it means they want/demand/expect/deserve something. They are still acting like there is extra money for drug habit cures / without inpatient or committments to stablize their lives, get a job, solve their problems, etc. They do not hold jobs for a long period of time (someone else is to blame) and then they do not have jobs for long periods of time, sometimes years. They do not take responsibility for anything. I told them years ago that the money tree in the back yard died and so they stopped talking to me then, you know how the step dad thing works, Mom is the giver/abused. I have even told my wife that if it doesn’t stop, I will get restraining orders for at least house visits from them since they stalk her at least 20 times per day on the phone. Please tell me there is more than “call the police”. My and my wife’s nerves are shot and we are at our wits end. STOP THE INSANITY!!! or help us. I have been watching adults be abused from parents to the elderly for quite some time and maybe someone needs to do something about this obviously spreading disese that is covering the country since the children/adults live in dilusional worlds of x box and playstations and have no regard for human contact.
Hi Harry.
I’m sorry to hear about your families situation as well.
Since you say that are both very needy and emotionally abusing to their mother, I cannot help but to wonder if their father might display the same characteristics. This may be something they learned by watching or being around him.
If a husband or wife does not show respect and thoughtfulness to his or her spouse it is unlikely that their children will either.
If these were little boys the situation might call for more delicate handling and training but, since you are dealing with full grown men, in my personal opinion it’s time for them to straighten up and Act Like Men.
However, it sounds like they are still nursing off mama and maybe sucking her dry without the decency to honor her or respect her or maybe even show her some measure of kindness.
I’d say, they are grown men, call the law on them. The law should make them answer for dealing with their own mother so terribly. They should know better by now.
This is a bit harder for me since, we are talking about full grown men and not children or teens. My first thought was they need a good boot in the backside. However, that might not do anything but make things worse, even if they do deserve a wake up call.
(If they were my brothers, I would have already gotten up in their business about treating my mother so disgracefully)
Maybe, letting your wife know that the Money Tree in the backyard died long ago might help. But, she will have to make up her own mind and then stick to it. The two of you need to put up a united front and then stand strong. Make the boys stand down or tell them to go until they can begin acting better, more respectful and kind.
There is nothing I can do to make it stop, I wish I could. I’d make all abuse go away. All I can do is to agree with you that what is happening is very wrong…and tell you that if you feel the need to do so, call the law on them and maybe get a restraining order if needed.
I’m really sorry this is happening. I do wish you and yours the best.
[...] Read More … Parent Abuse | Type-A Parent [...]
Thank you Cookies and Cowpies for featuring this parent abuse article on your site.
My mother claims I’m abusing her. I do not physically, mentally or verbally abuse her. I have a hard time following rules, but it’s only out of good reason and I would never to anything to deliberately hurt her. I used her mascara when she told me time after time not to. I’m constantly called ugly by my classmates in school. You think I wont use a little makeup? She went ballistic. She said I’m abusing her. Ive had trouble telling her the truth only because I’m SCARED of how she will react. She’s explosive and probably abusive. Now I need help. Who’s abusing who???
From,
Mia
Hi Mia, I’m sorry that you and your mom are having troubles. To me this sounds more like an issue of respect and maybe honor. Your mom wants you to respect her and her things. She wants you to honor her as your mother (& she always will – this is something that will never change and in reality as a mother she does deserve respect and honor no matter what, especially makeup and other trivial “things”.)
The solution here might just be talking with her and then asking for your own makeup. (If you babysit or something, you can use your own money for such.)
If you are a minor, you have to at least try a little harder to “Follow the Rules” (whether you like it or not, that is just the way life is right now. Be yourself, but do your best to control your urges to not follow the rules.) (Try to imagine the shoe on the other foot, you be the adult and consider how you will feel if your child does or does not do such & such.)
I can tell you this, that no matter what you do or say, it might hurt her heart and feelings and she may say things she shouldn’t BUT, She Does Love You. She Always Will Love You.
Consider being the adult and you’ve already done all the bending. More than likely as a parent you have already bent over backward many times to try to make life better for your child. Ask yourself, how many times has your mother had only crackers and peanut butter to eat, just so you can have the last of a decent meal. Ask yourself, what has my mother done without so I can have something even if it is a small morsel of food to eat or anything else. Think about that and then realize that you as the child, the minor are the one that must bend. (You might not like it but, if you give it a try and practice it things might just get better.) It is not for the child to parent or boss the adult. You must listen and think about the things she is trying to teach you.
Next, you might consider how would you feel or what would you do if someone else were to treat your mother the way you have.
Your mom love you no matter what.
I am proud of you for not “physically, mentally or verbally” abusing your mom. I thank you for that and I’m sure your mom does too.
I’m not sure how old you are but, if you are old enough to consider using makeup I’m going to assume you are a teenager.
Now, as far as the kids at school – have you ever considered that some might be jealous? It happens all the time and sometimes the jealous person does not even realize they are jealous.
Do not fret over these other classmates. Many of them are struggling with the same types of issues that you are and they do not know how to handle them either.
When I was a kid I got picked on for being fat (like no one thought I knew it too.) However, rather than being an over-eater I was struggling with childhood abuse and stress which can pack on the pounds even when you do not over eat. My point is that too many people assume to much by the appearance of others.
This is something that many people do. What you have to do is realize that it is Their Problem and Not Yours.
How did I handle being picked on all the time? I’d give them my most appealing grin and smile right in their face and say, “Thanks” and keep on walking. I never let them see me cry and generally anyone around would look at the like they were idiots – rather than me.
All they want to do is upset you, while trying to make themselves feel better. Don’t let them do this. You smile, hold your head up and walk away with your pride. Their comments are nothing, let them wash over you and run down your back like water on a duck.
You are special, you are the only you in the whole world. There will never ever be anyone just like you and this alone makes you one of the most gorgeous creatures to walk the face of the earth.
Now, be nice to mom, please follow the rules and do your very best in school.
Grow up to be someone you and your mom will forever be proud of…time passes too quickly to do otherwise.
My ten-year-old daughter, who is nearing my height and weight, does all of the things you’ve mentioned. She is verbally and physically abusive and has left marks on me. She rarely does these things in front of my husband. Once I heard myself say “Stop…you’re hitting me too hard!” and I thought ok I’m totally crazy, how far has this gone that my complaint is not about being hit, but how hard she’s hitting???? She threatens suicide (did it yesterday) and my god if she’s only 10 and doing this…I’m so very scared of the next decade, and at a loss about what to do. I’m just sharing this in case anyone sees themselves in my story…you’re not the only one.
Miss Alaneous, talk with your husband about this…soon.
I admire what you’re trying to do here. But I have an physically and emotionally abusive mother who I can just picture Googling this up and letting it persuade her that I’m the one who’s abusing her.
You see, I’m not a benign child by any means. I argue a lot, not just with my mother, but with pretty much everyone I’ve talked to. I can do it with no emotional attachment because I love debates. However, in our culture, or my mother’s interpretation of it, arguing with a parent/disobeying him/her means you lack human decency and deserve to get hit. She has beaten me various times before whenever I say something she finds disagreeable/can’t really find a logical way to argue against and only because she knows I’m physically too frail to fight back or that I won’t do that so as to not sink to her level. She also knows I have no intention of actually calling the police on her because I depend on her financially. She’s a criminally insane person who would actually kill me if she could get away with it. I have no doubt. She has shown no mercy in hitting me with large cane just so I would apologize to her about what I say, sitting on me, slapping me repeatedly etc.
Now of course you wonder what I have said to make her so mad. She’s begun to abuse me like this at the age of 5 or even before that. In the first incident where I could remember, I broke her beaded necklace accidentally and subsequently had to slide on my butts backwards to avoid her stick. Afterwards, I’ve disobeyed more often, but I only started cursing in middle school. Lately, I’ve experimented and said nothing even remotely out of bound to her. But her behavior hasn’t changed at all. She just hits me whenever I say something she can’t argue verbally against, almost as if she knows deep down that she’s wrong but doesn’t want to sit long enough to confront that fact. She does that to overpower me. Sickeningly, this woman has no respect for my body, by physically abusing it constantly and saying repeatedly that she’s given birth to it she implies that it’s her property.
To answer the question you must have right now (what the heck am I doing on a site about parent abuse then?), my mother has a tendency to victimize herself. She believes that everyone in my father’s family has wronged her in someway. They had a bitter divorce after over a decade of a loveless marriage. He’s abused for as long as she’s abused me. I feel sorry for her, but not enough that I’d take the blame for my father. Too often she has tried to unleash her rage on me after a diatribe about my father’s unfaithfulness and brutality. But after years of her doing the same to me mercilessly, I no longer have any sympathy for her. Of course, she’s accused me of callousness. And she’d accuse me of abusing her for the hurtful comments I’ve made in my anger. Perhaps I have indeed been verbally abusive toward her. I feel a great need to lash out against her in order to preserve my dignity because I feel that if I did not she’d have beaten me into submission. However, I do not do this unless she’s cornering me and threatening me with violence. One thing about my mother is that she does not use violence just to hurt me but also to humiliate me. She knows that it’d traumatize me a great deal if I had to retract a comment I made in good conscience because I couldn’t bear the physical pain.
But she’s not consistently violent mother. She has bouts of violence and then bouts of trying to take care of me superficially by cooking for me or buying clothes for me. She thinks that because of these material things I should love and respect her. However, Stockholm Syndrome fails her in this case. So she decides on victim-blaming. It’s fault when she hits me. It’s my fault when she deprives me of everything I enjoy as a form of punishment. And I should be institutionalized for saying a few insolent things to her.
In short, your site can serve as a great source for abusive parents to shift the blame onto the their children. There’s a lot of information on child abuse but actually very little support system as far as I’m concerned. My mother has the authority. What do I have? A few comments meant to comfort like “You just have to put up with it. You can’t choose your parents.” or “Your mother has borne you and given birth to you.” etc
I know that real parents out there go through the pains of being abused by their own children, and I offer my own sympathy. However, if parent abuse becomes an issue people’re aware of, you can’t just write a cursory post like this, which is very open to interpretation. You need to write point blank definitions of parent abuse and make clear the distinctions between abused parents and emotionally and physically abusive parents who try to justify their behaviors by shifting the blame onto the children. Despite my sympathy with the real victims, in most cases parents have a lot more power over their kids. And arbitrarily presented pieces of information like this can do more harm than good.
Thanks.
Hi Lily, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders even though you are going through a hard time with your parent.
I believe that everyone has a right to speak his or her mind, which is one of the reason’s I approved your comment. I can appreciate your thoughts and feelings and I hope somehow you and your mom can work through your differences. I’m sorry you have had to endure such treatment since a small child.
However, I must say that I had just as much right to write and publish this article and I do not feel in any way that it was done so “arbitrarily”, which according to the dictionary means = “at random, by chance, without rhyme or reason, subjectively, illogically, capriciously, indiscriminately, haphazardly”
Thanks
Sara, my daughter began to verbally abuse me at 15 and has continued this pattern for 30 years. Every poor decision she has made is blamed on her lack of adequate parenting. She claims to be the scapegoat child and that her sister and brother were “golden” children. Actually, she was a loving, sweet girl until adolescence and my memories of our years together are happy ones. She has been to three therapists, which we paid for, but she never gets better because she convinces them that she is an abused and neglected child/adult who is not truly loved. I, on the other hand, feel that my words and actions are continually misinterpreted and twisted to fit her life story. She has spread lies about me to her siblings, who have told her that these do not reflect their memory of our family. Now she has engaged a fourth therapist who has advised her to “limit contact” with me. I recently visited my mom, who lives in the same town, and my daughter not only refused to see me but wrote another ugly e-mail. I have a file of these letters but no one else has seen them. I want to help her but cannot seem to do anything right. She likes cash gifts but I don’t want to “buy” her love, so I have stopped giving her anything. Can you recommend a book or other resource? I think she is projecting, and it seems to be working because when I am “down” I doubt myself and imagine that I am this really bad person she claims I am!
Hello Nell,
I am so sorry that this has been happening to you and your family for so very long. I feel your worry and your weary.
Doing a bit of summation here as to my understanding of your situation:
Your daughter is at least 45 years old.
I’m wondering if perhaps, this daughter is the middle child, since she considers the other two “golden” (of course, I could be mistaken about her birth place within the family.)
I figure since she’s seen so many therapists that if there was some self-help book that might assist her, she would have found it by now. So, this means to me you are the one who needs the self-help book.
I cannot honestly recommend any book though, I wish I could especially for you. However, this might sound over the top but, I’m throwing it out there anyway…If you live anywhere near an LDS or Morman church there is a women’s group called the Relief Society. If you go there and find some women who will be more than happy to see you and help you in any way they can. It might be easier to talk with them and share your heart and mind since, right now they are strangers and sometimes talking to people who really care and don’t really know you can help relieve the pressures you are under right now. It can’t hurt and they can be more helpful than any other group of people might be. They believe in eternal families so, their perspective is much richer than many other’s I’ve encountered.
Also, in my mind perhaps, “limiting your time together for a while” may be helpful for you. And, in my opinion; you are her mother, you’ve already paid the price and you should never “have to buy her love” so don’t. And good for you that you have stopped paying her to show you just a smigion of consideration and honor. (I’m sorry but, in my mind it sounds as though she might be using you as far as “cash gifts” go, so it is good that you are no longer playing this game with her.)
Nell, you have lived long enough to know that all humans have “down time” and we all beat ourselves up over the things that burden us. You know the truth, you’ve seen it unfolding for years. You must hold the truth in your mind and heart and not poison yourself with depression.
Whatever it is that is bothering her, she’s placing the blame in your lap. If you are blameless of such lies, you must hold even harder to the truth.
I’m sure she needs help and she’s been getting assistance all these years. It’s time for you to get some as well. I do hope that you can find some book or resource that is more helpful than these few words.
Here’s a *hug* from one mom to another. Keep your chin up and hold tight to the real world and the truth of the life you have lived with your children and never stop loving them with your heart and mind. Leave your pocketbook in the closet, while wrapping your family with the love within you.
May you be blessed Ms. Nell…
Sara, thank you for responding so quickly and so fully. Yes, my daughter is the middle child and has just turned 46. I honestly had no idea she felt so neglected and even abused as a child until she was about 35. At her request (so that we could be closer) we found a clinical psychologist whom she bonded with and went through joint counseling for 1.5 years. Each week she brought up new complaints– memories that either were imaginary or twisted. Each week I would be speechless, trying to recall events of 20-30 years earlier. I would go home and ask my husband, who also raised her from the time she was 5 yrs. old, if he recalled that incident. He was incredulous and kept telling me that I would have never done or said the thing she accused me of. My daughter would not allow him to attend any of the sessions; the reason she gave was that I could not “hide behind him” any more. SHE WOULD SOB UNCONTROLLABLY during these sessions, and of course the counselor and I were overcome with her pain and anguish. At the end of the 1.5 years, she was still just bringing up new stuff each week and she finally said “I see that you have changed.” Of course, we all change –for the better I hope– as we mature, so I accepted that and assumed that she and I could now have a close relationship. Well, things went okay for the next five years or so. Every once in a while she would blow up at us, usually by e-mail, and we would unsuccessfully try to explain ourselves and make peace. Then in 2009 she was fired from her job at which she had been very successful and her live-in alcoholic boyfriend dumped her a month later. We (and her biological father) faithfully supported her emotionally during over a year of unemployment and helped her financially to keep from losing her home. Now she has a good job and is on stable financial ground, with health insurance. At last she is back on track and I can’t help but wonder if she feels she no longer needs us.
Sara, my problem is that I cannot write her off as a manipulative, selfish person. She will always be my beloved daughter. Yes, she does play the relatives for money but I excused that because she was so needy for many years. She is a poet who does ordinary jobs to earn enough to write. (She won the “Paris Review” contest a few years ago and really is gifted.) So I am trying to figure out why she finds fault with me and blames me for her misfortunes. If I can figure out why, then I seem to feel more worthy as a person. Here are two possibilities:
1. She projects her problems and flaws onto me. The narcissist’s screen, as it were. (Yes, I have read on the subject.)
2. Instances of parental abuse and neglect fit her life narrative and keep her from having to painfully search her inner core for alternate explanations for her problems. (I know from experience that therapy is painful and only works for those who can take the scalpel to their souls.)
Thank you for the resources you mentioned. My husband is a Presbyterian minister and we are open to all faiths and wisdom. I pray that her latest therapist will see through the narrative and facade she has created and will penetrate these to confront the core of her persona. And I pray that she will find the strength to search for the hard truths. I know that her biological father has been a wedge between us since she was five and that she idolized him for many years. Frankly, she reminds me more and more of him the older she gets. And that is scary.
Sara, I forgot to tell you that I have worked full-time since I was 20 — teacher, principal, jobs that took far more than the mythical 40 hrs. per week. In the spare time I cleaned our house, cooked for a family of five, and sang in church choir. So the middle child probably has reason to feel that parental time was short and that we were often preoccupied. In HS she fell in with misfits who did some drug experimenting and I was unable to have real commmunication with her. We took her willingly to two therapists but she didn’t want to continue with either. At 18 she moved into an apartment (her insistence) and went to college. Upon graduation she moved west and spent years away from us. We were so busy with careers, raising our third child, and attending to the never-ending problems of our first-born that we didn’t realize we needed to be in more frequent touch with our middle daughter –or that she may have needed that, too. She has never expressed her needs verbally, in contrast to the other two children. So, yes, she can point to ways in which she was “neglected” and “lonely” but we did not pick up any signs that she felt that way.
Hi Nell, I had a feeling you had more to say.
Listening to your last reply reminds me of a conversation I had with my dad in my mid-twenties. I had gone home and was talking with him. I guess I finally felt old enough to confront him about this and that. I asked him why this, why that. I was one of his best since, he kept a very tight rein on me. I’m the oldest. After I finished asking him, he said this to me.
“I’m not perfect but, I’ve done the best I know how to do. That’s all anyone can do. Do your best.”
So, maybe what you all need is a great big hug session. Maybe what she needs is for you to just wrap your arms around her and tell her that you are sorry.
I’m not saying you have anything to be sorry for, but, she might just need to hear it.
I hope all goes well for you and your family.
Thank you, Sara. I have apologized many times over for the omissions and hurts she brings up. I have always hugged her when we have visits. I really have decided that the best thing for both of us is to remain apart until she is ready to accept me as I was and am. She doesn’t need a fragile mother who is walking on eggshells, and I don’t need her constant cutting remarks. Perhaps we are both better off this way.
I think you must be right Ms Nell. Best of Luck!