Reward or Punish: What Kind of Parent Are You?

I have an extreme opinion on this matter. It revolves around the fact that I was expected to do what was right because that’s what was right. And, I rarely recall receiving anything as a reward for doing the bare essentials that were plainly expected.

Expectations such a going to school, minding my manners and my teachers while there, doing my work, and studying to make the best possible grades were merely general expectations. That doesn’t mean I was expected to make straight A’s. I did however make straight A’s and was awarded by the school for having the highest over all average from first through eight grade.

And, then, the transfer to a much larger high school where I basically knew no one and there was a B thrown in for good measure. I was, after all facing tougher teachers and assingments. I never had a discipline note sent home because I couldn’t follow rules. I went to school and I carried out the expectations set forth by my parents.

By the time I received my driver’s licenses, there were more B’s than A’s but I think that too was to be expected. Again, I wasn’t punished for the B’s nor was I rewarded for the A’s. It was my job, I did it and that was the end of the story. So, when my son came home this week with a sad face 2 days in a row, I started to chatter about it on social media networks. Immediately people began to throw various methods of rewarding him for getting a happy face. And, that resurrected an old comment I left on a post last spring.

We do not reward our children for doing what is expected of them. We do however punish them when they are out of line. Yes, there are occasional cheers when great things happen but in general we do not use a reward chart and stickers or money or anything else. He is expected to go to school, keep his mouth shut and follow the rules. And, right now, he simply doesn’t know how to be quiet. So, the debate was on.

After someone outright sent me a link to a reward-method site, (not wanting to hurt her feelings or start an argument), I waited until she was making more and more suggestions. I simply explained that “we expect him to follow the rules because that is what is right and we do not reward him for this.”

I do understand that the reward system works for many, I’m not downplaying that at all, this is just my opinion. That started more discussion on the matter. Finally, feeling like I might be the lone person in my feelings on this matter, I polled a friend or two that I found lurking on Facebook. Friends that I went to school with but we grew up in very different households and we haven’t seen each other in the 20 years since we finished school. Her children are 16 and 21 and after we discussed the situation, I sent her to read my comment.

I was amazed at how exact her thoughts were to the ones I had expressed. Here is a brief bit of that comment I left, I’d love your opinion on this. I’m anxious to see how many of you agree and why as well as how many disagree and why.

“There’s research (and if someone wants it, I’ll definitely look it up) that states that rewarding children for behaviors that are normal expectations sets your child up to have an addictive personality. I see absolutely no reason to reward my child for putting his own clothes in the laundry hamper. Where else should I expect him to put them? And, I’m not giving him a candy or a sticker or anything else for doing it. And, with that, he is expected to behave according to general etiquette and society norms while in school and I do not want him rewarded because of good behavior. I understand that negativity breeds negativity. That doesn’t mean that a child who is being disruptive shouldn’t be punished but there has to be some equalization in making sure you the children understand that actions have reactions. There are other ways to instill positive re-enforcement and elicit proper behavior than offering up a treat for good behavior. Now, coming from someone whose son sits at a table alone because he talks too much, you might think I’d see this differently. But, the fact of the matter is, he has to learn when it is appropriate to talk and when it isn’t.”

I stand firm in my beliefs and my friend’s take on it was “we’ve all experienced the difficult behavior of those people who constantly do the reward system, helicopter parents are a pain.” Now, she meant no harm, just simple stating what seemed to be facts to her. My son came home on Thursday with a smiley face and he was not rewarded for it nor was he rewarded for the prospect of continuing to do this. He is expected to behave accordingly and when he doesn’t, he will reap the wrath of punishment. So, tell me your opinion, I am really anxious to hear your thoughts.

Related posts:

1. Be Kind To Your Single Parent Friends
2. Positive Reinforcement
3. Being A “Good” Parent At Any Stage
4. Parent Teacher Conferences
5. Parent-Teacher Conferences with Twins