Setting Guidelines for Your Family

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When children are little, you we set rules about not throwing food or hitting. The rules we set helped our children know what was expected of them. Now that I no longer have little kids, I still make rules for my preteen and teen.

With a preteen and a teen, the rules I set are rigid and unbreakable one day and loosey goosey the next. I have to roll with the punches…not literally, but you know what I mean. I have to be ready for whatever phase my girls are going through.

Here is my list of guidelines for tweens. The list is a work-in-progress. A rule that was mandatory when my teen was a preteen, may not be needed with my preteen. I will be sure to come back to revise this list as the kids grow older.

Preteens and Electronic Devices

• Getting a cell phone is not a done deal. My preteen had to show me that she was responsible, trustworthy, and compliant before I agreed to a cell phone.
• I told my preteens that if they broke or lost a phone I wold not replace it right away. The preteen knew that she would have to pay for part of a replacement phone.
• Phones, laptops, e-mail, and Facebook accounts will be checked as needed.
• The preteen knows that we need to know all her passwords.
• My teen and preteen are 14 and 11. Both have had phones since 11/12. We have many conversations about phones, texting, sexting, e-mail, and Facebook etiquette. The conversations never stop…ever.
• Keep the lines of communication open with your preteen on everything.

Preteens and Social Networking

• No Facebook accounts until age 14.
• Kids and preteens can join Yoursphere, a social networkng site for kids by kids. Yoursphere has safety controls in place that I value.
• Facebook’s terms of service (TOS) specify that kids under 13 should not join. I preferred to wait until my teen was 14. She was closer to high school. Most of her friends had FB pages. She knew all too well that the consequences for not following my rules on Facebook would be loss of her FB account.
• I have not friended the teen on Facebook. She only got her account when she turned 14. I debated friending her, but decided to have ongoing conversations with her about Facebook and my expectations for her behavior on Facebook.
• I knew that I did not want to read all the updates from her friends.

Preteens and Friends

• From an early age I knew all of the parent of my children’s friends.
• I made it my policy to get to know their friends’ parents. As the children aged, it got harder and harder to know all parents well.
• Now, when I meet the parents I make it a policy to have conversations with them even if brief. A 5-minute conversation is better than nothing. After meeting a few times, I am more comfortable doing the drop-and-run when driving kids to the house of their friends.
• The kids can go to the homes of people I don’t know well, but I need to (1) know that an adult will be present and (2) meet the adult at the door as I drop off.

Preteens and Staying Home

• I will leave my girls home alone, but I won’t leave my girls and friends home alone.
• No cooking while I am out unless preteens have proven diligence about standing beside the oven during the cooking process. Until then microwave is the safest cooking device.
• Kids can stay home alone from 10 onwards depending on how safe I feel leaving then and how confident they feel.

Preteens and Alcohol, Drugs

• Before going to a home where I know the parents drink or have an open bar in the basement area where kids will be sleeping, I have a conversation with the kids about not drinking any alcohol.
• The kids know that they need to call me if they see people drinking. I have told them to tell the parents if they see any drinking, but I don’t want the kids to get in any dicey situations at someone else’s house. You know how tempestuous teens can be.

Preteens and the Gimmies

• I don’t care what friend has what item. Kids know that whining doesn’t always work in our house.
• Preteens might have to contribute to an item if I don’t consider it a necessity.

Preteens and Cars

• All babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and early to late elementary schoolers (depending on weight) ride in car seats or booster seats. No exceptions.
• When a child is too tall or too heavy for a booster seat, I will remove the booster seat.
• No child under the age of 11/12 will seat in the front seat of the van unless they are heavy enough to activate the air bag and tall enough that the airbag when deployed does not hit them in the head.
• I have conversations with my preteen and teen when I am driving about road safety.

What are your family’s guidelines? Leave a comment.

When not making rules for her kids, Jill blogs about how her kids broke the rules at Musings from Me.

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