Widowed Moms Afraid of Their Own Shadows

I wouldn’t consider myself a naturally fearful person, but it’s safe to say that, after my husband died, I was afraid of pretty much everything in life (real or imagined). Here I’ll share some thoughts about the fear that widows can experience.

Before Mark died, when people would ask me my greatest fear, I always said it would be that my Grandmother would die before she got to meet any children I might have. I didn’t think to worry about Mark dying, he was young, we thought he was healthy, and we had a wonderful new baby who was everything to both of us. He wasn’t supposed to die, so I didn’t even think to make it a possibility.

Discovering Fear

I think that’s where most of the fear comes from when you’re a widow. Your spouse wasn’t supposed to die and leave you all alone with your children but it happened. When something that isn’t supposed to happen to you does, you start to worry about all the other things that could possibly happen. And they could all happen to you at any given time.

Your fear has a realism now that it never had before. When your spouse dies before it would naturally happen (when you’re both old and have lived a full life) it throws all the other rules out the door. All of the horrible things you hear about on the news and all of the anecdotes well-meaning friends and family tell you about people who have died? Any of those things could happen to you and your surviving family.

Identifying the Fear

Identifying what you are feeling can be difficult, especially when everything is so caught up in emotion. I think it’s very important to identify when you are feeling fear, it gets you one step closer to avoiding or conquering the fear.

Mark and I didn’t have health insurance for him, much less life insurance. Very soon after Mark died, I went to our insurance agent to change over our car insurance information and to ask about renters’ insurance and life insurance for me. I went in thinking that I was completely logical and matter-of-fact and then I asked my agent for an insane amount of life insurance. Like, if I died, it would be as if Nicholas had won the lottery, I wanted so much insurance. I’m lucky I have an honest and astute agent. He talked me down, got to the root of my wanting so much unnecessary coverage and got me settled on a realistic amount. That day was an important lesson for me, one that could have been very costly.

When I realized that I was scared to death that Nicholas would be completely dependent on other people for everything if I died too, I became horribly scared. The thing is, that fear wasn’t on the surface, I was perfectly in control. When my agent (who had seen many widows have this same reaction) helped me identify the fear, it was like a light bulb went off for me. I saw the feeling for what it was, I was more scared than I ever would have thought. It has been incredibly helpful in the years since to know the feeling of fear in myself, it helps ever so slightly in fighting it.

Fear Out of Control

The strangest part of this new fear for me was that it attached itself to some really unrealistic situations. We live in South Texas, I’m fairly sure I don’t have to have any snow-related items stashed in my vehicle in case we get stuck on the side of the road. But when I was making up a kit for the trunk, I kept getting flashes of us being stuck in the snow.

I also didn’t have to be overly worried about an ax-wielding maniac breaking in and killing me (leaving Nicholas unharmed but orphaned). Well, I didn’t have to be any more worried about that after Mark died than before he died; but every shadow I could see through the bedroom blinds was that ax-wielding maniac.

The point is, your mind can go into over-drive with the life and death scenarios, and you have to be careful about letting them take over. Again, being aware that they aren’t terribly accurate or plausible can go a long way in keeping the fear at bay.

Conquering the Fear

I don’t know if you ever conquer the fears you have after your spouse dies, but they do get better. Or maybe they just dull. Now, three years after becoming a widow, I don’t have those completely irrational fears that I had in the first several months after Mark died.

I do have some left-over fears though. I think because I saw a couple of episodes of Mark choking after he was in the coma, and the choking is what the doctors think caused his brain damage in the first place, I have what I think is a stronger than normal fear of Nicholas choking. Who knows, maybe as a new Mom the choking fear would have been there anyway, but it is definitely there now. I may be cutting N’s food for far longer than he finds socially acceptable, but he’s going to have to deal with it. I’m sure his wife will understand.

Like I said earlier, I think being aware of the fear (irrational or not) is a huge step toward lessening it or making it go away completely. But don’t be afraid to ask for help. Find a friend who you know will be able to identify your being on the edge and talk you back. Find a counselor who can help you through the episodes (some of my fear turned into panic attacks). If you need to (as I did), talk with a physician about medication to help. Trust me, it doesn’t make the fear go away, but you should be able to manage it and live your life as an almost normal person. Don’t let anyone make you feel stupid for being afraid the world is going to fall down around you, because in a very real way, it already has.

Sherry Carr-Deer is mom to 3-year-old Nicholas, fiancee to William, and widow of Mark. She’s also afraid of the dark. Always has been, always will be. You can connect with Sherry on Twitter at prCarrD.

Related posts:

1. How New Relationships Effect Children of Widowed Moms
2. Widowed Moms Surviving the Holidays
3. Widowed Moms
4. Widowed Moms and Money
5. Widowed Moms Becoming the Decision Makers